Sweat and salt cause your wet clothes, which stick tightly around your figure as if they craved its warmth, to smell. But somehow this fragrance is welcome, it feels like home. You scratch your chipped nails and the currently dull red nail polish relutanctly is removed in the rudest way, you don’t even notice it.

Your eyebrows curl in a sandy frown, your eyes don’t turn away, not for a second. It’s as if nothing existed apart from that horizon which warmly welcomes the tired Sun, embracing it with sea and mountains as the Earth travels in space. Your eyes stare firmly, contemplating and admiring. They reflect everything.

Your arms slowly embrace yourself and your nails swiftly crave themselves in your poor skin that cries, being so hurt by your careless manners and everyone else would feel it, but you.

I can even feel your sandals missing your feet, so sore and full of calluses. But so resistent and firm. I can feel the love of everything of yours. But you wouldn’t notice.

You keep staring up at the sky and at the horizon.

Forever.

-Hm, Tom?-
-Yes?-
-You know I have just a few days before we start the Asian tour, right?-
-Yeah, I do.-
-You and Anna will go back to France, while I’ll…-
-Yeah, I know…-
-I’ll miss you.-
-I will too.-
-I love you.-
-I love you too… I don’t know how I’ll be meanwhile. But we’ll find a way, again.-
-Yeah…-

-x-

Spain, July of 2009

-Oh… my… God!– cried Anna as she stood in the middle of the mess, trying to organize her things. Tom was standing, his back leaning against the wall as he watched the scene carefully and thoughtfully. Karin sat next to her on the floor, near Anna’s luggage. The three of them where together by boredom, or maybe just the simple desire to not be alone, on that melancholic morning.

-Well, you’ve just been traveling all the time, so what’s the big deal just because you have only one or two more flights before going back to France?– asked Karin, frowning.

-Oh, I just put anything in my bags and went there, just like that. Now I’m putting everything in order for when I get home and aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrhhh!– she roared angrily and slapped her head a couple of times.

Tom smiled tenderly. -I guess it’s just the feeling of going home, of an end.-

Karin turned to him then looked down, sighing softly. -This is so sad.– she said.

-Hell, I know it.– he assured, sighing out loud. His words didn’t pass nearly what he felt inside, and it weighed like a rock. He sighed again, looking down and wondered about all the things that always complicated his lover’s life, and wondered why he blocked his feelings so much.
Karin glanced at him one last time, with a supportive ‘I know what it’s like” smile which turned itself into a sympathetic frown, and turned to Anna as the blonde walked over to place a shirt in one of her bags, frowning even more and trying as well as she could to smile again for her. And she failed, as the “smile” looked more like a weird thing trying to rearrange her face than anything.

-Oh, Anna.– she said, her hands on Anna’s knees. Her lover looked down at her with teary eyes, and as soon as the tears started to fall, she put both hands on her face and wiped them as well as she could.

-I… will… miss you SO much!– she tried to say between sobs so loud that they really made her hard to understand, forcing her to make long pauses and high pitched sounds when she could manage to get a word out. Karin looked at her sadly and got on her knees, hugging Anna clumsily and Anna hugged her back with all the strength the slightly chubby girl possessed, still it felt soft, not painful. Anna wasn’t nearly the strongest girl in the world.

Tom watched the scene melancholically, and remembered when he was woken up during the night by his concerned lover and their short conversation in the dark, and suddenly it hurt unbearably that they hadn’t cried, like an open sore. He sighed. He needed to be with Brian right now… but again he was busy. Busy, busy, busy. Goddamn busy… He sighed deeply, and felt like leaving. He just didn’t know how to say it though. Anna’s crying didn’t help, and at that very moment he didn’t sense his protective instinct toward her. All he needed was to get out, disappear, lock himself in his own frustration. And be with Brian.

His love.

And again his love came over him in a tidal wave, so strong to the point it seemed to suffocate him. He was drowning, and at that point he couldn’t stand that room anymore.

-Anna, chèri, ma petite, Je vais cherchez… quelque chose.– He shrugged and looked at her with a pleading face, and hoped she would understand, or misunderstand in a helpful way, as she usually did. She stared at him with her tearful eyes for a short while, as blankly as one that didn’t understand a word you just said, and then nodded, biting her lower lip sadly. – Je t’aime!– He smiled, relieved. Waving a goodbye, he almost stormed out of the room, but he stopped with his hand on the knob and looked back at Anna, smiling one last time, tenderly as his protective instinct seemed to come back. She looked at him and smiled too, and a moment of completely mute communication rose between them. All the information was wrong, yes, but still they could get a feeling of what they meant, and that was enough.

Tom stepped out of the room, crossed the corridor, and just as he rounded the corner he crashed into some short, dark-haired guy. To his surprise, it was no one but his Brian.

Since that first time Anna shared the hotel with the band, she decided to always go to the same hotels. For many reasons it was a bit simpler and definitely easier for Tom, and in even that first night the finer hotel had reminded her of her home, and her mother. Part of her couldn’t bear to give up the nostalgia: even though she couldn’t stand her, she somehow missed her mom in spite of herself. Karin was sleeping in the same room, even though Anna was a bit shy and scared to let things go too far. The poor blonde got more and more puzzled as she realized all the hotels her girlfriend was going to were the same as the band, especially when she saw them a couple of times and was starting to get really embarrassed: they’d probably be thinking she was some stalker fan girl, and she definitely wasn’t that kind of fan!

-Goddamn, Brian, what are you doing here?– Tom asked, raising an eyebrow in question and frowning with the other, making Brian giggle at the mismatch. –Didn’t you have an appointment with your managers or something?-

-I did, and it’s over. Actually it’s not over, but I escaped as I didn’t need to be there anymore, so I was looking for you.– he answered, frowning in his Brian-ish way, and Tom chuckled softly.

-Good. But I was at Anna’s room and her girl is there, you could be seen again, you know.– he said firmly.

-Fuck, Tom, I’m at the bloody hotel I’m paying for! I won’t hide HERE.– he assured, frowning, and with an expression that meant he didn’t give a damn and Tom was speaking non-sense.

-You’re right, but still… and did you just notice that I said “you know”? I’m getting this from you.- he pointed out. Brian laughed again, and Tom did too, more softly.

-OK, I say “you know” quite often, but, you know…- he raised his head to eye tom directly, with raised eyebrows and his very light eyes opened wide. –I just said it again! You know!- Tom had to laugh out loud at that: Brian couldn’t not say it!

-I just love you! – he said out of nowhere, between his laughs, suddenly wanting to kiss him right there. Brian just stared at him, containing his laugh in an almost childlike smile followed by his greedy and shiny eyes, provoking Tom to stare back, just appreciating his lover who, in those situations, didn’t seem to be that older nor to carry any bitterness from his unhappy past experiences or his own complexes. And in this rush of thoughts, Tom remembered things have been weird between them, therefore, if the silence and smiling stare lasted for one more second, it would get awkward, and as a result Tom would be left motionless and Brian would blush. And that was precisely what happened. They just didn’t know what to say.

Brian didn’t blush like the shy teenager in front of her lover, he did it like the grown up Brian he was, blushed for letting the things get to the point they didn’t know even what to say. And with a wave of rage came the conclusion that as a matter of fact, and Brian hated himself even more for that, they have never really known what to say. They just told about their lives when asked, and during the free time instead of talking about dreams, thoughts, or doing any useless thing you do with someone you like, telling anything stupid you just felt like telling a friend, they mostly had sex. And now that the sex isn’t enough, any stupid thing seems to disappear from your mind, as if your genuine ability to think was gone, and you realize that you don’t get along with your lover. The problem was… they still truly did love each other and craved for every moment in each other’s company, needed the attention and the feedback.

And in that very moment Brian felt broken. Felt as if he was only a remainder, a piece of shit, a true loser, and blamed it all on no one but himself, throwing even more weight upon his long wrecked self-esteem.

He looked up to Tom, without a sign of the bright smile that was shining on his beautiful and, by that time, thin lips just a minute ago, his expression only exposing a tired face marked by life and excessive stress. Tom’s smile faded immediately, turning into a concerned frown.

-What’s the matter? – he looked at Brian in his eyes, panicking secretly as he only saw an empty ghost of him. Brian sighed.

-No, nothing, I’m just tired – he lied.

You were perfectly fine a minute ago. Tom stared at him, concerned, but let it go. Things have been weird between them. Tom sighed and put an arm around Brian’s shoulder, smiling loosely.

-Hmm, maybe I could enjoy some rest too, if that’s what you need – he suggested as he caressed Brian’s long hair. It has grown so much in the last months… He remembered how Brian’s hair barely was shoulder length by the time they first met. So long, so long. And now they would have to say goodbye again, and that just truly hurt.

Rest? No I won’t go to bed with you now. I can’t, I need to share something different with you. I can’t stand this open prison anymore.

-No, no, I’m fine. Wanna go for a ride? – he asked, more than hoping, he was almost praying for his tired voice being enough to erase any resemblance to Pictures, hoping Tom didn’t know the song and that if he did, he wouldn’t remember it. Because it was the first thing that came to his mind right after he said it, and it definitely didn’t fit the occasion.

-Is it you who sings this song? – asked Tom, raising his eyebrows a bit surprised and amused – That one with “I wanna go for a ride, I wanna take pictures of you” lyrics or something.

-Yeah – Stupid law of Murphy! Damn! And even sang it wrong… – I guess you knew a song I sang after all!

-Oh, yeah – he chuckled, raising his eyebrows a bit amused by the dirty memories that flashed through his mind, memories of when he first heard the song. Oh, good memories.

-What is it in your mind, naughty boy? – Brian asked with his shifty eyes and a naughty pout, giggling then, his laughter always echoing through the room.

-Nothing, just some past experiences – he said with the naughtiest smile ever, causing Brian’s to fade softly in jealousy, as he started imagining those said past experiences, feeling morbidly jealous, wanting to hug Tom and say “it’s mine”, and Tom obviously noticed that, embracing Brian more tightly – Don’t be jealous. You’re the only experience I’ve been having have some time – he smiled reassuringly, Brian didn’t feel any better though. He just wrapped an arm around Tom’s back and rested his head on his shoulder.

”Experience”… Do I look like a guinea pig? He sighed.
Things were getting weird between them.

-x-

Anna and Karin held each other’s hands, tight and sweaty in the summer heat. They set out from the hotel together to take in and enjoy the fresh air on the last days they had together. It hurt to even think about it, and it showed in Anna’s melancholic face as her head rested in Karin’s shoulder, shameless. They would not hide, not at all, it was offensive and wrong just to think about it. Anna stuck to her girlfriend as if she was trying with all her heart to remind herself, and the world, that she still had one. Oh…

The girls didn’t have the courage to talk about it yet, about what they would do after Anna’s trip came to an end. They couldn’t tell who was avoiding the subject, whether it was the shy and insecure Anna, who’d come blushing to Karin and then decide to talk about anything other than leaving, or the confident though quiet Karin, who waited and waited for the right moment. But when was the right moment? The feeling they got was that they’d wait until the goodbye to know. Or maybe they’d never know, forced to jump to conclusions. They felt as if it wasn’t going to work and that feeling crashed their hearts.

Anna quietly pulled even closer to Karin, containing her dry need to sob.

The grip in their hands was all the communication they had in that moment, it was like a straight line of feelings, so intense it turned constant and unchanging as their bodies became used to it.

They sat together on a bench and still didn’t let go, not even to cuddle as Anna raised her head softly to look at Karin with her small and delicate brown eyes framed by long lashes and perfectly done make-up, Anna had magical fairy hands for this stuff, Karin slowly leaned forward to plant a kiss on her painted lips and a shy tender smile spread across Karin’s naturally light pink lips. Anna smiled back and stared at her for a second before kissing her, a soft kiss, and as Karin raised her free hand to tenderly caress Anna’s neck, their lips parted and let their tongues explore each other’s mouths and caress that warm wet space while they had time. Their hearts softly started pounding faster and deeper, it was barely noticeable through their chests but they still could feel it, through the neck, through the small vibrations that they could hear with the close contact.

It was a fact that when they kissed, when their eyes closed and all they could feel was their small world, the clothes they wore, the bank they sat at, the ground that their feet touched, and the strongest and most present thing to them, each other’s body. The rest of the world seemed to disappear. Only the immediate feelings were there, sometimes even the bench seemed to evaporate and then Anna would grab Karin’s arms, opening her eyes in astonishment thinking she had an hallucination because she felt like she was going to fall and then Karin would laugh and say she needs some sleep because she’s already dreaming…

Karin sighed. She was going to miss her cute chubby one a lot… She smiled as she remembered she couldn’t ever call Anna that without offending her and hurting her feelings. She chuckled, wondering how Anna couldn’t realize that she looked just… perfect like that. She melted in her own little world, there was something about Anna that just seemed so pretty to her, starting with her curving hips, ample breasts, and going to her pretty and delicate doll face of smooth pinkish white skin. Just like a doll. Her doll.

Anna spied her with curious eyes, opening them wide so that they didn’t look so small. She always felt embarrassed when Karin looked at her like that, she already had an idea of what she was thinking about but couldn’t help asking…

-What? – in a low voice that made it sound cute and soft, different from her high pitched moments even though she always sounded pretty girly.

-Nothing, just thinking about you. – Karin answered with her ambiguous smile that resembled a pout. Anna frowned and looked suspicious, before looking away a bit. Today she didn’t answer “Thinking about how beautiful you are” or similar. Anna pouted, thinking “what is on that blondie’s mind?” She blushed and straightened her back, sitting correctly on the bench, Karin crossed her legs in a boyish way she turned to Anna, her back not touching the bench anymore, and supported her elbow on the back of the bench instead as she rested her head on her hand. Anna couldn’t get used to that.

-Hey, you don’t need to be this way every time I stare. – she giggled quietly, grinning.

-Oh, well… – Anna blushed and pouted, frowning – It’s OK that you look, you have your eyes for what, anyway? But please give me some space, you know it bothers me when you keep staring like that… I feel kind of naked or as if there was something funny on my hair. – and she blushed even more as she said that, she looked down and frowned even more but her eyes were absolutely firm and determined. Karin’s eyes opened wide in answer, and she raised her hands as a sign of truce.

-OK, won’t do this anymore. – she answered, astonished. Anna smiled softly and kissed her on the lips in answer. Karin smiled into the kiss and held her girlfriend’s delicate head.

The place was public and they knew people would stare, but they refused to care. It didn’t matter anyway, no one knew them. At least, no one should because, a face Anna would have recognized within a second if she just glanced, was there, staring with eyes opened wide in the shock, his jaw dropped and his mouth opened, the world seemed to stop for him, all he could feel was disbelief, in his eyes, in that scene. His suitcase had fallen on the ground, his hands no longer could it as he felt like he lost his senses. His feet still were automatically moving, slowly and clumsily when he caught sight of those girls, stopping only after the third step when his suitcase had fallen, and the first word that came to his mind was “Anna?” Also slowly, his mind started working in an increasing pace, his vocabulary being extended from “Anna” to “That cannot be my daughter, I saw that wrong.” He wanted to believe that, and all he could do was to run away, quickly grabbing his neglected suitcase from the ground and pacing inside the building, forgetting any appointment he had and moving almost unconsciously back to his hotel room.

As he got inside his hotel room, all he could do was to wash his face countless times and then loosen his tie, sitting down on his bed.

He was a business man, he did not have time to think about those things, he built an empire and now he had a compromise with it. If he let go of it for a second he could lose everything. He gave the best education to his daughter for her to become that?! He still couldn’t believe what he saw, he couldn’t believe it was her. That feeling pulled at him, incredulous, but his eyes told him it WAS her. He took his mobile phone, there were a few pictures of Anna there, which he looked when he remembered, usually when he had one minute of peace in his bed or office. The pictures weren’t new, actually it had a long time since he saw her, he couldn’t remember if it was months or a year. He analyzed the pictures he’d looked so many times and had never noticed the details, the girl he saw really looked like her… Her hair was similar but not… as coloured as the hair of the girl he’d seen. But the last time he saw Anna she indeed had coloured hair, which shocked him. But was it those colours? That he couldn’t say. He felt ashamed for not knowing. And why was she here? Well, it was her gift to have a tour around Europe now that she finished school. It could be her. There was only way to find out.

Still with the mobile phone in his hand, he dialed the number he couldn’t forget and on the other side of the line, a girly voice answered, obviously surprised, making his heart skip.

Karin lounged on the bed, leaning back on her arms for support and trying to look casual while cultivating a gentle smile on her lips. Lounging was easy: she was a bit tired. But the smile kept sagging down at the edges and needed a lot of help keeping the shape most smiles had by nature.

-Do I look good? – Anna turned to her, again, after anxiously arranging the black coat she had just tried on for the third time.

-Of course you do, Anna. – Karin answered, her blonde hair bobbing a bit as she nodded and pushed the corners of her lips up a little more and trying to squeeze some enthusiasm into her voice. She really hopped it sounded genuine, and she really hoped to that room soon.

-Really? – Anna frowned, turning to the mirror quickly, running her hand over her colourful hair to smooth away the frizzy stray strands that always came from dyeing. – You said that a hundred times! – Karin sighed and pushed the corners of her mouth up again, trying desperately not to let her boredom show. Anna could have worn an old t-shirt and jeens and looked good. Hell, she could wear nothing and still look… Suddenly her smile curled itself into perfect shape.

-Because it’s true, you’re gorgeous anyway. – she said quietly, as usual, but with more feeling this time. Anna stared at her a little and smiled too, giggling as she made one last twirl in the mirror and then walked towards Karin, kneeling in front of her and crossing her arms over the other girls knees knees. Grinning and leaning forward, she reached out and caressed the blonde’s cheek, her hand slipping through her soft hair, they stared at each other before Karin leaned forward and they kissed softly. Karin slowly sucked Anna’s bottom lip, tilting her head a little to make it easier, parting her lips too and letting Anna’s tongue slide inside, not as shyly as before, but still soft. Karin melted inside with the sweetness of every touch of her new girlfriend. She was Anna’s first girlfriend, and she melted again remembering Anna’s awkwardness and even fear at first, but Karin had known there would be something between them, that there [i]was[/i] something between them, and now Anna knew it too. They searched for each other another few, delicious seconds before parting, Karin let her hand fall from Anna’s hair and kept staring at her with loving eyes, making Anna to blush a little.

-What? – she asked, suddenly embarrassed and looking away.

-Nothing. – Karin giggled playfully, her stare fixed. Anna spied her, suspicious, smiling, and their eyes met.

-x-

-Tooom! – Brian called him with a whiney voice, sitting cross-armed and cross-legged on the bed, hair still dripping and wearing a pale pink bathrobe from the hotel room.

-Yes, love. – Tom answered in an ironic, joking voice.

-Come here – Brian patted his knee, Tom shrugged and went to his temperamental lover. Brian pulled him by his hand and Tom sat by his side, deciding it was best not to squash Brian with his own heavier backside. He was in a mood, he could tell. – Do you really want to go out today? – he asked, pleading, still holding Tom’s hand on his own lap.

-Well, yeah. Why not? – Brian sighed and rolled his eyes ceilingward.

-I feel lazy. And ugly. And I don’t know what to wear. And I’m not in the mood.- He pouted. -Just that. – He rested his head on Tom’s shoulder and carried on. – And my hair will curl up when it gets dry. – he added, running his free hand through his wet tresses and looking melodramatically at his partner. Tom giggled.

– Chérie, your hair is gorgeous all curly… you don’t have a clue of how sexy you look when it’s like that! – He ran his fingers through the soft tangle. Brian grunted, Tom started to nuzzle his neck but was pushed away by the smaller one.

-No. I don’t. And stop it.-

-What? – Tom didn’t understand, trying to pull their clasped hands up to kiss Brian’s.

-Not in the mood. – Brian replied a little curtly and pulled his hand away. Tom stared into space with a foolish expression and then sighed.

-Lie down. – Tom asked.

-What? – Brian frowned as Tom stood up.

-Lie down on the bed… – he repeated, smiling down at Brian in his pink bathrobe.

-Why? – Brian raised his eyebrows.

-Just do it – Tom giggled, Brian kept his eyebrows raised, not understanding anything.

-Ok, ok – he nodded while he shifted and lay down, his head on the pillow and looking up at Tom. Tom crawled on the bed and kneeled, straddling Brian, legs on either side of Brian’s thighs, and started to undo the tie of the bathrobe. Brian put his hands on Tom’s. – I’m not having sex now, Tom! Respect it, I’m not in the mood!-

-I’m not going to fuck you. – Tom laughed, and it was true, he wasn’t hard either.

-So what do you have in mind? Generally when someone tries to take off my clothes and stay on top of me, we’re gonna shag. – he said ironically and crossing his arms. Tom smiled, Brian really was in a tough mood today.

-Well. Let’s start from your hair. – he sighed and continued, leaving the belt to touch the other’s hair again. Brian stared at him with a puzzled face – Do you know how beautiful, bright and soft it is? Anyone that sees you just want to touch it, it’s gorgeous, Bri.-

-Yeah, and also expensive to look like that. Without a hair straightener it’s shit! – he answered right away. Tom sighed.

-You think that ‘cause they are your own curls. Everyone loves them, but you. – he said seriously and pouted a bit, before continuing. – Now, your face. It is just the most beautiful, you look so younger… you have those pretty cheeks, those sexy and adorable lips and the most gorgeous and impressive eyes I’ve ever seen…. – Tom breathed, staring down in rapture. Brian stared back, flattered.

-But my skin is bad. – he said looking away, feeling embarrassed as he couldn’t hide from Tom’s eyes. He was surprised by how piercing they became as they got to know each other. He never expected it from such serene eyes.

Almost business-like, Tom ran his hands down Brian’s torso and carefully started to untie Brian’s bathrobe, making Brian pout and raise his eyebrows again. -Where are you going with this? – Tom giggled and opened it, exposing Brian’s naked body and making him blush softly, the skin on his face, neck, and chest turning pink. – Ok, you’ve seen me naked a hundred times, whatever, you know… – Tom caressed his neck with the tip of his index finger, the skin flushing slightly closer to red.

-And I can’t get tired of it. Your sexy collarbone, your adorable nipples… – he said lovingly, while following the directions with his finger, Brian blushed all the more heavily. – …your beautifully formed hips and your cute bitable belly that I so love. – Brian giggled, Tom softly squeezed it, making Brian make a high pitched sound, Tom laughed. – I don’t need to comment on what we have a little bellow that. – he grinned, with his shinning eyes, and Brian pouted naughtily.

-Oh, just the best part. – Brian sighed in fake disappointment, maybe with a small hint of truth.

-Yeah, very funny, you’re getting hard, chèrie. – Tom shook his head, and grinned again, caressing Brian’s thighs, making him get harder, unintentionally, – You also have the hottest legs I’ve ever seen. And Brian, chèrie, do you want to know why am I doing this? – Brian thought a little, and pouted again, more playful than naughty now.

-Flattering me so we shag? – Tom rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead.

-No… – he leaned forward, staring lovingly and directly into Brian’s eyes. – I’m showing to you how absolutely gorgeous you are! – and he grinned, in that charming way only he himself was capable of. Brian’s eyes shinned a bit as he said that, and he smiled, self-esteem completely renewed. Tom, satisfied with his reaction, softly pecked his lips.
His prone lover held his head with both hands and pulled him closer, locking their lips together, gently building the kiss up.

-Too late, now I’m hard. – he said, and Tom smiled naughtily.

-x-

-So, Tom will catch up with us later? – asked Karin as she and Anna walked along a park, under white lights of lamp posts matching with the silvery moonlight.

-Yeah, he’s going out with his boyfriend, then after that we’ll meet him at a bar. – Anna answered, distracted.

Karin frowned, puzzled. -Couldn’t he come with his boyfriend? – Anna’s eyes opened wide and she blushed as she tried to think up an excuse. She hated lying.

-Well, his boyfriend is kind of introvert, a weird guy, I don’t know. He’s busy and would rather spend time alone with his boyfriend. – She wanted to slap herself in the head just after saying it, [I]stupid answer, stupid girl![/I]

-Ah. – Karin raised her eyebrows and shrugged. – So why will Tom meet us after all? –

Anna turned to her and gawked for a moment, incredulous. -He’s my friend! Because I want him to do so! – She answered almost offended, and Karin giggled.

-I know, but wouldn’t his boyfriend be annoyed? – She turned to Anna, smiling gently.

-Well, yes, maybe. But his boyfriend has friends too. I guess Tom said he’ll meet up with… a friend of his, don’t know who, later. – she still wanted to slap herself for the answers, they sounded so stupid. But well, Tom DID tell her that and Brian WOULD meet Stefan after all. Anna sighed. After all she really wished they could hang out in group, even though, thinking better of it, it would be pretty embarrassing to hang out with Brian. With or without her girlfriend, she just felt embarrassed near him.

-Wanna sit somewhere? – Karin asked, staring at Anna, who nodded.

-Yes. A bench? – She suggested.

-Yes, look, there’s that one near the fountain! – the blonde ran to sit there, Anna giggled and went after her, they threw themselves into the bench like children playing some game, and laughed as they did so. They stared at each other, and then at the fountain, at each other, a foolish smile playing at their lips, and as they didn’t know what to do, they did what they wanted to… ignoring anyone who could stare awkwardly at them, the happy and careless couple kissed.

And by that fountain, there wasn’t an outside world. Just them.

-x-

Brian and Tom took a seat on the restaurant. It was glamorous, not Tom’s favourite kind of place, but at least he knew how to eat something with those unnecessary armies of forks and knives, he’d learnt with his family, even though it wasn’t even socially necessary. They just liked to pretend they were glamorous as well.

Tom looked around, analyzing the place, waiting for the server. Brian was eyeing the server. As is often the case in restaurants like this one, all of them were very good-looking women or men, and of course, he had found the most beautiful of them, an auburn haired woman with full curves and green eyes. Tom raised his eyebrows and pouted a bit, he didn’t mind Brian’s staring, but he wondered what was passing on his mind as he carefully watched those greenish-grey eyes of his lover, so far away from him and full of thought.

-She is beautiful, isn’t she? – Tom decided to say at last, breaking the silence. Brian turned to him, surprised.

-Well, yes. – he nodded, glancing at her once more, a bit embarrassed. Tom smiled for a moment, and neither of them knew what to say, keeping an awkward silence until the waitress came back to the table.

-May I take your orders? – she asked in English, which surprised Tom, but not Brian who smiled brightly.

-Yes. I’d like… – Tom watched as Brian made something as simple as an order a reason to eye her, not rudely but so very there. He wondered if he missed them, women, analyzing if he only thought she was attractive or if he really desired her. And the poet wondered, not for the first time, if he was enough for Brian. He felt his heart sinking thinking about it, and hated himself for being even a little jealous… You stup…

-Tom?-

Tom blinked twice, looking from Brian to the waiter and back. -Sorry?-

-Your order?- Brian said with the gentle firmness of someone who’s repeated them selves a few times.

-Ah, yes…I…-

And with those thoughts, the night went on.

-x-

-Hey, Brian! – called Stefan over the noise inside, having just arrived at the bar they’d agreed to meet at.

-Stef! – Brian turned to him, watching how he clumsily took off his coat like his gangly arms where too much to coordinate, and smiled softly, opening his arms for a hug, which Stef most willingly gave him. The tall Swede sat by his side, and watched Brian a little.

-You look tired, and thoughtful. What’s up? – Brian smiled at him, how he always noticed when he wasn’t well.

-I don’t know. – he giggled, but the laugh didn’t reach his eyes.

-Are things not fine between you and Tom? – he asked, frowning.

[I]Right to the heart of it[/I] Brian thought. -I don’t know. – Stef raised his eyebrows. –I think I’m missing women, I don’t know.-

-Isn’t sex with Tom good? – Brian gasped and his opened wide.

-Oh, much the opposite. He’s one of the best fucks I ever had. I sometimes even think I am becoming a sex addict, we have sex almost every day, and when we’re in the mood it’s more than once. – he chuckled. – It’s amazing.- But the crease between his eyebrows stayed.

-Hm.– Stef wondered a bit –So what is the problem?-

-I don’t know. I miss sex with a women… Miss touching their breasts, how soft they are and… – Stef raised his eyebrows. – Ok, I KNOW you’re gay but I am not and I miss it.-

-Well, doesn’t Tom let you fuck him?- the bassist asked before taking a gulp off his newly arrived beer.

-He does, Stef! – Brian whined. – It’s not that, you can’t understand and… I don’t know! – he sighed. – When I said I felt like I am becoming a sex addict, it’s not only a good thing. You know, I’ve been trying to avoid having it for a while… and I just can’t! I think I got this idea that every time we have sex, something bad is going to happen… I just feel like…-

[i]“Why does this smothering fear of losing each other surround us? Why can’t we just make love in peace, without any problems later?”[/i]

Brian sighed again, Stefan watched him, concerned.

-You’re pretty sad, aren’t you? – He caressed his friend’s back. Brian swallowed dry, feeling like shit.

-Sorry.-

-You don’t need to be sorry. Things will resolve between you two, you’re going through a tough time, it will pass. – Stefan smiled in support, Brian smiled back and leaned in to hug him. – And you know something? I like Tom. I really think he’s a nice guy and you deserve it Brian. – Brian smiled to himself at that, but then he wondered about what good was Tom, wondered about Tom’s life and personality. And again he remembered that, after all, he didn’t knew much about him. He just knew about some things he could learn with just being around him for weeks.

-I love him very much, you know… – he said, quietly, barely audible over the crowd around them.

-I know.- the Swede murmured back.

-So why do I have to feel like this? – Brian turned to him, his eyes gleaming with tears that threatened to fall.

And his tears made good on their threat and Brian cried on Stefan’s arms, and in another bar Tom pretended to talk with the girls as his mind was far away on the stars, wondering about anything, and the girls paid attention to each other, and they laughed and they joked… until each one went to their own hotel room, and Brian and Tom slept together, cuddling to each other, letting themselves be surrounded by the innocence of the sleep and after hours of torture by their own thoughts, for one moment they each forgot life’s complications.

Episode 2 – Brick Shithouse

Part 1

-Shit – I mumble, covering my face with both hands while throwing myself on Stefan’s armchair, sinking on it – I’ll be kicked out of my flat.
-Can’t they give you a time? To earn money? We’re going to sign a contract, things will get better – Stefan says, concerned, I stare at him with my best “you don’t know a thing” expression.
-I haven’t paid the bill has three months – I say with raised eyevrows, Stefan’s jaw falls and he stares at me incredulous, gasping.
-You told me you had paid – he starts frowning. Don’t do it! Don’t stare at me as if you were blaming me! Stop it!
-Well, I lied – he looks away, I frown.
-You’re so mature – he says sarcastically and I pout – In what you’ve spent your money, Bri?
-Uh, well, in food… some needs, you know – I answer bitting my lower lip and glancing at anything, but his face.
-Drugs. – he says dryly, and I immediately turn to him.
-Don’t say as if you didn’t use it too! – I hit back, annoyed.
-Well, yeah, but I pay my bills first! – he answers and I shut up, secretly trying to think about a way of hitting back, while he thinks it means I gave in and that I agree he’s right. Well, I know he’s right but I surely haven’t gave in.
-Anyway, what are you going to do? – he asks me, tearing apart my line of thoughts and stopping my not-very-useful unconscious activity of bitting my bottom lip.
-Uh. Find a new place, you know – I stare at him with a poor expression, not the puppy dog eyes, not the “king of the world” arrogant face, not even the ashamed look. Just my very own face with raised eyebrows, typical of when I’ve just made a conclusion, and for a moment it passed by my dirty imagination the possibility of seducing Stefan so as to convince him to make me stay at his place. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to happen. Stefan’s boyfriend was way too jealous of me and his parents, who actually are the owners of the flat, don’t like and it wouldn’t be very nice when they visit him.
-Oh, Bri, I would love to let you stay here, but… – I know, I know. You will talk about your boyfriend and then will say, using an eufemism, that you don’t want your parents to find me high. I know the story. I stare at him as if I was paying real attention, nodding and when he ends I just frown and smile.
-I know, Stef. You don’t need to worry, I’ll find somewhere else – and then I think of Steve. And want to kill him. The damn bastard not only disappeared with the money from my wallet, but also went touring with another band and left us without a drummer when we were about to sign the goddamn contract. Stef told me a drummer friend of his is going to come soon to London and then he can join us. I didn’t like the idea, but what can I do?
-Well – Stefan smiles back to me and again tear my line of thoughts in two, gawdheuwrwe – I hope you will. But you can surely stay here while that! – he adds, concerned.
-No, no, I’m fine – I lie. Staying at his place would be much more trouble than I need, thanks – Well, I stand up – I think I’m going now. Lot of friends to call! And stuff to gather! – I put a fake smile on my lps and Stef stares at me, still sooo concerned, come on, you’re not my dad! I glance back at him, frowning at that, and then smile for real – Come on – I open my arms and he stands up, hugging me tight and caressing… or messing, whatsoever, my hair, while I just wrap my arms around him. I kiss both of his cheeks and break the hug, smiling one last time before walking towards his door and waving a goodbye as he closes it.
Oh, Stef, you’re such a great friend for me… I sigh.
I walk back “home” unwillingly, even a bit sadly… Very soon it wouldn’t be my home anymore. It was a terrible place, but “mine” anyway.
I stare at my keys when I’m in front of the door, and without a real reason, I kiss ‘em, a faint smile appearing on my lips. I walk inside, and with a weight in my heart, I start to gather the few stuff I had. My guitar, my clothes… Also the bed, the wardrobe, the fride, the cooker and… what I liked to call a TV were mine. I would take them to Stef’s if I couldn’t find a decent place.
Ok. Now I call my friends.

…

Fail!
No place for me. No one can host me. Fuck. Goddamnit. Shit.
I feel my eyes starting to burn, I want to cry, want to get drunk.
What am I going to do now? I cover my face with my hands and start to sob quietly as a few lonely tears fall down my face.
Yeah, I’m a fucking miserable and lonely bastard. No one really cares about me. I don’t have a place to be and I’m fucking going to die on the streets. Maybe of hypothermia or hopefully smashed by a car… I fiercely wipe my tears and bite my bottom lip, decided to stop crying. I stand up, wash my face, put on some make-up, my eye-liner and a light-pink lipstick, I wear some tight black jeans and a dark-blue skinny t-shirt. Ok. My hair looked the same shit as always, but anyway.
I swallow dry and get out of there, lock the house, and as I am outside of the building, I wonder where I’m going to go. I walk without a route, without a destiny, thoughtful. Unless my legs were broken I will get somewhere anyway…
-Brian? – I listen to a familiar voice. A bit girly, a bit uh, weird. A bit common. I turn back to find this skinny girl with really straight light brown blondish hair, she smiles at me puzzled and I grin back.
-Jenny! – She bounces and hugs me tightly.
-Brian! How long! I missed you – she says, while hugging me. As we break the hug she stares at me, from my head to my feet, with THAT expression I don’t like – You look good. – she says with a fake smile. Eyeing me so intensely with those greedy and jealous eyes I feel embarrassed. She is envy of me so obviously I can even feel it, I raise my eyebrows.
-Thank you – I smile – You… look good too! – I try to say, a fake smile on my lips too. Jenny is… weird. And she’s always been, since I knew her from college. She was far too skinnym her face could be kind of pretty though, but her eletric blue eyes were a bit too big. I don’t know… Felt like she was formed by some random features together.
-Oh, you think so? – she played with her hair. I don’t think she got the irony – Thank you. – she answered in all her vanity – So, what you’ve been up to?
-Oh, not much. I uh, well, I’m on a band and I think we’re going to sign a contract – I say, grinning like mad, feeling the little bit of arrogance that still remained on me after this humiliating situation of being kicked out of my flat.
-Oh really? – she grinned, no reason for her to envy that, I think.
-Yeah – I keep smiling – What about you? Been up to something new?
-Well – she smiles coyly – I’m moving in with my boyfriend and probably future fianceé, we got a house on the suburbs of London! – she says all excited, I raised my eyebrows slightly in surprise, not a big one though, she surely was the marrying kind. I just didn’t think she’d find the right guy so soon.
-Really? Oh that’s great! – I answer, but then remember that as she’s moving in to a new house, I’m beign KICKED from my old one. How great. You’re such a succesful guy, Brian. See people around you finding someone who loves them, creating a family, getting a house…
-Yeah, yeah, we’re so excited! Oh, I’ve bought everything for our home already – she keeps babbling about her home while my smile disappears and my face becomes the most frustrated and sad one. And then I sigh and start making my forsaken puppy face. She keeps babbling about how happy her life is, and as I wasn’t really in the mood to listen to anyone today, and as my day was already fucked up enough, and as she didn’t get the message, I had to fucking moan out loud so as for her to listen to me. – What’s the matter, brian? – she asks me frowning, and even though part of her was, yes, concerned, the other part was a bit annoyed for being interrupted, I could tell.
-I’m homeless – her eyes open wide in desbelief and I realise she got it wrong – I mean, I’m being kicked out of my flat and I don’t know where I’m going to stay yet. – well, it wasn’t untrue, but it sounded a lot better than in real life. And it won’t make her feel as if she was talking to a beggar or anything like that.
-Oh – she says, looking a bit concerned, but not making a big deal of it. I frown and even pout a bit, still the sad puppy, but not exagerating so much as I wanted her to see how sad I was. And well, it wasn’t untrue that I wasn’t in my happiest days either.
-I feel so lost… but I KNOW I’ll get over it! I’m on an almost signed band! I just need… a place to be for a while – I finish with a lower voice and sigh, glancing at her with my puppy eyes, but pretend not to be watching her. She stares at me thoughtful, and I wonder if her blond hair affected her brain and she didn’t get the message. Ok, I know it’s not like that, and if she can’t, I understand, really, but…
-I think you can stay with us if it’s just for a while, Brian – she finally suggest, smiling, and I grin back to her.
-Really?! Oh my god, thank you! – I hug her and she grins too, hugging me back tightly.

I don’t have any idea of what will be of this, but anyway, I’m not homeless!

Episode 1 – Feels Good Hit Of The Summer

Open my eyes.
This is too light.
I yawn, fuck, this is way too light. I, with great effort and lack of will, manage to sit on the bed, just to realize my head hurts as hell. Fuck, where am I? I look around, this is not nice. I rest my head in my hands, my eyesight went all black, when I think I recovered it I look up again and notice that there is someone, a girl mumbling something. I crawl through the bed and what I see on the ground isn’t really nice either. There’s a pale man lying still, blood down his nose, and a punk girl tapping his face, trying to wake him up.
I want to puke. I quickly put my hand on my mouth and swallow it. I kneel on the bed and breath deep sometimes, before looking back at them. The girl is wearing only some… S&M like leather bra and pantyhouse. The guy is naked and I am… with a ripped shirt? I massage my head with the tip of my fingers, it is hurting so much… I swallow again.
-Hey. – I call the girl. She doesn’t seem to pay attention to me. – Hey, you. – I call her again, and she turn to me, her eyes blood-shot red. I can’t say whether she’s been crying or she’s high. – What happened? – I ask in an intimidated voice, especially low because of my headache. She seems outraged with my question, but just keep staring at me, I don’t think she knows the answer besides the obvious.
-Overdoses. – And that was the obvious.
-Yeah, but… is he ok? – she swallowed deep, angry.
-OF COURSE HE’S NOT OK! HE’S DYING! – I paralize. I crawl to the ground and touch his face, he was cold. I can’t say if he is breathing. I stare at him utterly shocked for a good while and try to say something, that goes as a mumble. When I’m back to conscience I instantly get on my feet and run to the bathroom, banging the door. I touch my face and wash it, throw water on it. And see what should be myself on the mirror. I look like shit. I sit on the latrine.
-Oh my god, how I got myself into it? – I sigh, my heart is racing, I inhale and exhale deeply. I lower my head, resting it in both my hands, my elbows resting on my knees. I suddenly feel something going up my throat and throw myself into the floor, lifting the cover of the latrine and puking my stomach out. When I think I’m finished I sat on the floor again, feeling like shit.
My mouth tastes bad, my head hurts, my belly is empty and my stomach feels weird. I’m completely weak and don’t feel like I was capable even of getting on my feet again. I rest my head on the wall and close my eyes, trying to believe it was all a hallucination caused by a seriously bad drug.
The feeling doesn’t change. I put myself together, and again with a lot of effort I stand up. I run my hand on my forehead, drying it. I put my hair behind my ears and go to the room again, still dizzy, and kneel on the girl’s side. She was covering the side of her face with her hand, visibly worried.
-What are we gonna do? – I ask.
-I don’t know…
-We should take him to a hospital… – she turned to me with furious eyes and laughed sarcastically.
-You “rock stars” are completely out of the reality, yeah? IF WE TAKE HIM TO A HOSPITAL WE’RE GONNA GET ARRESTED FOR THE USE OF DRUGS! If you don’t know it, they’re illegal, princess. – I don’t like being called a princess.
-So you’re gonna let him die? – I answered also sarcastically.
-There must be a way. – She shrugged.
I stand up, and lean my back against the wall, and look at them. A death silence fills the room. Man, we’re fucked.
-Do you know if… he is… alive? – I ask, afraid of the answer… or of the reaction. She is skinny but somehow scary. And actually sexy, I notice, but not a little turned on in this fucking bizarre situation. Sometimes I really have to agree with that nudism idea that when everyone is naked you don’t neccessarily will associate with sex. Well, that’s not the case, because it is a very… untypical, but anyway, morning after scene. The room reeks to sex and weed. And sweat. And mould. And blood. Better stop thinking about that before I puke again. Better stop thinking about anything. Fuck, what are we fucking going to do with that bloody body?
-I… think he is. – I turn to her, caught in surprise between my thoughts.
-Really?
-I don’t know. – I cover my face with my hands, how useful.
-I know… I know a way of solving this. – She gets up. I stare at her, waiting for it. She doesn’t answer, she just cross the room, searching for clothes. I don’t know exactly what to do, but decide to get dressed too, and it is a tough task as my shirt was ripped. I take it off, throwing it on the floor and becoming completely naked now, and somehow less exposed, because honestly, wearing a ripped shirt that basically shows all your… scratched chest, as I just noticed, and nothing else… anyway, forgetting about that I searched for the rest of my clothes, I let a fed up mumble scape as I notice my underpant ripped too. I felt even lucky when I realized my pants weren’t, and great, my leather coat too. When I look around I realize the girl is not on the room, but on the bathroom. I get close to it and hear her saying something.
-Is it the police? – she stammered, obviously nervous. Freeze. I feel all my body paralizing and she continues – I am at a motel… I’ve been drugged, me and my friend.. we… we’ve been abused by a guy, I just woke up and saw my friend bleeding and… – FUCK. My heart is racing, I can’t move my legs, I don’t know what to do. When I am able to breathe again I just rush the room searching for my cellphone and start to call Stef, getting out of there immediately.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
There’s no elevator. It seems to be a motel… I search for the stairs. Where are the stairs?
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
STAIRS! STAIRS, THE STAIRS RIGHT THERE
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, STEF ANSWER IT.
-FUCKING STEF! – I almost scream when he answers it, he can’t even finish his ‘Hello’.
-Brian? – he answers scared and apparently a little fed up.
-YES, IT IS BRIAN.
-What’s up?
-STEF, FUCKING CATCH ME.
-What? Where the hell are you?
-I… I don’t know – I start to cry, while running downstairs. I can feel the hot tears touching my cheeks. I start to sob.
-What? Brian, what happened? – Stef seems worried, he’s so nice…
-I.. can’t.. tell.. now – I try to say, between my loud sobs.
I quickly cross the reception, not talking to anyone, someone called me. Maybe wanting me to pay something, I run quicker.
-Brian, just tell me where you are…
-I SAID I DON’T KNOW STEF! – I scream and run my left hand on my face, trying to dry the tears but it doesn’t work as more tears go down. I saw a taxi passing and desperately gestured to it, almost throwing myself in front of it. It stops abruptely, the taxi driver very pissed off.
-WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?! – he gets his head out of the window and screams at me I just swallow dry, still crying. Stef is calling me, screaming “Brian” on the phone, but I don’t answer.
-I need to go home.. – I say between sobs, the man, for some reason, seemed to have pity.
-Get in. – My eyes opened wide. My day was even more bizarre now. I sit down quietly, Stef already gave up the phone call. – Where do you live?
-Deptford. – I answer quietly, I had stopped crying. The driver grunts, Deptport wasn’t the best place of London. Adding that to my appearance, I probably didn’t seem to have money. I search for my pocket, I can’t find my wallet. Fuck. I remember the girl. – FUCK!
-No money, right? – I turn to him, actually that wasn’t the main problem but…
-Yeah, I mean, no, no money. Sorry.
He grunts again.
-But my friend can pay… when I get there. – Sorry, Stef!
-Ok. – he turns on the taxi. I call Stef again.
-Brian?
-Hey… – I answer quietly, with my after crying nasal voice.
-Can you talk to me now?
-Yeah… I mean, no.
-What the hell, Brian?! – he seemed angry.
-I explain later, ok? Can you pay the taxi for me?
-What? – he was speechless. After a few seconds he sighed – Ok. – he said against his will. I smiled softly.
-Thank you, Stef. I love you. – The taxi driver turns immeadiately to me, with a very disgusted expression. I blush and turn off the phone. On Stef’s face. I pat my face, as I realize that I cutted Stef. I just turn to the taxi driver again and mumble the directions to Stef’s house. He was waiting for me outside, he pays the taxi and I hug him tight.
-Thanks. – he hugs me back but doesn’t answer, we get to his flat. His small but not that bad flat. I throw myself on his couch and take off my leather jacket, it wasn’t really confortable to wear it without a shirt. Stefan raises his eyebrows.
-Now you tell me what happened?
-Yeah. I… – I first try to put my thoughts in order – woke up with a punk girl and a… guy lying on the floor, bleeding from his nose.
-The strippers. – he said.
-Strippers? – I ask.
-Yeah, from the bar. Don’t you remember? – he asks, obviously finding it weird.
-No, I don’t. Wait… where were we yesterday? – I frown.
-Fuck, Brian, we were playing on that contest for unsigned bands, In The City. – I raise my eyebrows, remembering it.
-Tell me more. – Stef’s jaw fell, he let out a shocked sigh.
-We won alongside other bands, don’t you remember? Peter Hook slagged us off. – I snap my fingers.
-Yes! I remember that fucker! We were the best band there! But some management saw us, and we fucking are gonna sign! – I yelled.
-Yeah. Than we got to a bar and you were decided to get very drunk. You were dancing with the strippers. – I remembered now, seeing the girl’s legs around me. Seeing her getting  down, almost on me. And the male dancer too. I blink twice.
-Keep going.
-And we left you, because you were fucking out of the limits.
-So you don’t know the rest?
-No.
-Man.
We sighed.
-Where is my wallet? – I ask him.
-Oh, Steve took it away from you because you were fucking out of the limits.
I stare at him. And start to laugh. Very loud. Stef stares at me scared.
-I CAN’T BELIEVE IT – I keep laughing, until tears were againg on my eyes, and running down my cheeks, Stef starts to laugh at me awkwardly. I lean to him, lying on his lap, laughing my fucking ass off. – Man, this is fucking crazy. – I say as I slowly stop laughing and dry my tears.
-I can imagine. – he giggles.
-She called the cops to arrest me, saying I was the one who drugged them – I laughed.
Stef paralyzed.
-What are we gonna do?
-She can’t prove it! – I sit.
-Do you think so? – he is really scared.
-I do. Don’t you?
He didn’t answer.
-This is wicked.

“And as I rise
You, who knelt,
Get on your feet
And hit me
As hard as it felt

“I didn’t know where the pain was
On my bleeding mouth
Or my broken heart?

“And you lay me down
And you stay upon me
Literally, emotionally
Making something inside me melt

“The world was role reversed
And the mess breaks the heart
Breaks the known and tear my soul

“I see your back
I feel your farewell
I know you cry
Tears that won’t die
But tears have long dried”

by Tom

Tom showed his card to the bouncer, who glanced at the “PLACEBO DRESSING ROOM” on the laminate card and mumbled an OK and some directions. Tom walked on, passing through several doors. He paused as he passed by one, hearing a weird noise. A moment later he realized what he was hearing. Mumbles and pants. He raised his eyebrows and walked on, remembering some of the fans in line gossiping about the possible relationships between the band members. He smiled to himself as he thought about himself and Brian, who had once shared a closet themselves, and he giggled at the thought that it could be anybody in there, even kitchen staff on break.

When he got to the right door Tom knocked twice. Sean let him in, and soon everyone at the room was grinning at him.

-Oh, what do we have here?! – Brian exclaimed. – Is this a… a clown?! – They both laughed.

-Beautiful make-up. – Fiona smiled, looking curious.

-Cool! – Stef exclaimed as he walked in and saw Tom’s makeup, turning off the camera he brought.

-Seriously, this is different, did something special happen today? – Brian asked as he put his arms around Tom’s neck.

-Just recited something out of the venue. -

-Ouch! If some fans left before the gig it’s your fault! – Brian said in a fake worried voice. – Was it fun?-

-It was! Your fans are lovely, a day with them would be better than 3 bad days in Paris. I have a lot of bad days in Paris. -

-Recite something for us! – asked Fiona from her spot on the couch.

-Hm, let me think… I guess I’m too sober and too tired to recite something wise, but for a pretty lady it’s worth the try. –

-At least you rhyme, huh! – Brian mocked.

-You should stop and think, my lady-man, about what you say. But if your mouth seems to be big here, that’s because you haven’t seen it when laid! -

-Oh, big mouth da-da-ran-da-dan. – Brian mumbled.

-Ok, I’m sucking today. – Tom laughed.

-Oh, really? That’s great, I actually could do with a blow job… – Brian said in his gayest playful voice, which ended up being nasal and husky. Brian was right about his cigarette’s effect on his voice, even though it was bad for his body.

-But, Tom, if you’re not feeling creative, just recite us something you have already written. – Fiona suggested.

Tom considered for a moment about what he could recite, which of his poems he would choose.

-Well, I have one I could recite. You see, I can speak and understand English, but not perfectly, so forgive me for not rhyming very much. – He cleared his throat.

“In the moonlight, your skin shines
The sweat drops fall,
Your body is wet
So as mine

“And as I rise
You, who knelt,
Get on your feet
And hit me
As hard as it felt

“I didn’t know where the pain was
On my bleeding mouth
Or my broken heart?

“And you lay me down
And you stay upon me
Literally, emotionally
Making something inside me melt

“The world was role reversed
And the mess breaks the heart
Breaks the known and tear my soul

“I see your back
I feel your farewell
I know you cry
Tears that won’t die
But tears have long dried”

His poem had cast a hush over the small room, Brian staring intensely at him as he recited. There was a pause after the last word, broken a moment later by Fiona’s clapping and the others followed.

-Wow, Tom, I didn’t know you were good. – Brian breathed, still gazing at Tom. Tom laughed at his lover, remembering how, long ago, he refused to hear his poetry.

-Thank you, Brian, I think. – Something on his stare was too strong, too piercing. He knew he was thinking something, and he wondered how close Brian could get to the meaning of his words.

-It was beautiful. – Fiona smiled, a glint of admiration on her eyes, which made Tom like her even more, after all his cheesy poems were the fruit of his knowledge that many women and girls didn’t care for sexual, sad, or disturbing stuff.

-Hey, guys!- Steve walked in the dressing room, wiping sweat off his face. –Oh, hi Tom! -The drummer smiled when saw him and leaned against the wall, a little tired.

-You missed his poetry reading! – Fiona turned to him, still with that pleased smile, apparently forgetting the he wasn’t much into poetry, unless it had a melody.

-It wasn’t a big deal. – Tom smiled humbly.

-Of course it was, you’re an artist! – She repeated, Tom didn’t know what to say and gave his indefinable charming smile.

-Isn’t Anna here? – asked Stef and Tom grinned, half in amusement, half pride, before answering.

-No, today she’s with friends. – Stef smiled back. Brian was awkwardly quiet, staring off into space and occasionally glancing at Tom.

-Hey – Nick stepped into the now crowded room, drying his hair with a small towel and smelling strongly but not unpleasantly of shower gel.

-Ok, now we can go. Do you guys want to come with? – Sean turned to the younger boys.

-No, today I’ll pass. – Steve nodded.

-Same here. – Nick glanced at him and sighed, looking beat. Brian put his arm around Tom’s waist, as a signal for them to move. Outside the venue there was their van waiting and apparently no fans. Appearances can be deceiving, because as the vehicle started to move they could see a couple of people running and screaming desperately in an useless attempt to get their attention. Inside the van it was another world, far away from screaming fans, set to the music of the sleepy drone of the motor and the sound of their own breathing.

Brian rested his head on Tom’s shoulder and they sat quietly while watching as the bright lights and crowded streets to the much calmer road leading to their hotel. Brian slung his one nearly empty bag over his shoulder, the one that held a few necessities he liked to take anywhere with him, and paced into the hotel. As they walked down the corridor, Tom, one step behind Brian, noticed his hand shyly searching for his own and hugged him tenderly from behind, Brian caressed his arms in answer.

Inside the room, they did the usual things: changing clothes, brushing teeth, Brian washing and moisturizing his face. Tom decided to keep his make-up for nocturne games. When Brian finally joined Tom, who was already sitting on the bed in his boxers, Tom gently kissed Brian’s lips and smiled, watching his thoughtful expression until Brian would notice his knowing stare. Brian sighed.

-Your poem today… made me think. – Tom nodded, waiting for more – Tom, was that a true story? – Brian caressed his lover’s hand.

-Yes. -

Brian frowned.

-I see. It reminds me of a song of mine… – he cleared his throat and glanced at Tom, searching for a permission to sing it, which he found in his eyes.

“Leave me dreaming on the bed
See you right back here tomorrow – he smiled softly at Tom’s surprised and concerned face. –
for the next round
Keep this scene inside your head
As the bruised turn to yellow
And the swelling goes down – he sang staring directly at Tom

“And if you’re ever around
On the city or the suburbs of this town
Be sure to come around
I’ll be wallowing in sorrow
Wearing a frown
Like Pierrot the Clown – he gently smoothed Tom’s make-up while singing, his poet wearing a visible frown, and he bit his lips with the sudden touch. Brian lowered his eyes, looking away, as he started the next stanza.

“Saw you crashing round the bay
Never seen you act so shallow
or look so brown
Remember all the things we’d say
How your promises went hollow
As you threw me to the ground

“And if you’re ever around – his eyes met Tom’s again
In the backstreets or the alleys
of this town
Be sure to come around
I’ll be wallowing in pity
Wearing a frown
Like Pierrot the Clown”

He closed his eyes.

“When I dream, I dream your lips
When I dream, I dream your kiss
When I dream, I dream your fists
Your fists”

Tom felt the chorus, the repetition bridge hitting him, stronger than he ever thought a song could, all the memories coming alive in his mind, the emotional pain becoming physical through his heart, the song seemed to be made for them… for his first real love. A weird feeling took over his body as he heard such words coming from his current lover, his love, and he didn’t know what to feel besides the pain. For the first moment in a long time his mind turned to her, just her.

“Leave me bleeding on the bed
See you right back here tomorrow
For the next round – Tom could see that silhouette, that head slowly looking back, she leaving before she’d cry in front of him.-
Keep this scene inside your head
As the bruises turn to yellow
And the swelling goes down

“And if you’re ever around
On the city or the suburbs of this town
Be sure to come around
I’ll be wallowing in sorrow
Wearing a frown
Like Pierrot the Clown
Like Pierrot the Clown
Like Pierrot the Clown
Like Pierrot the Clown…”

Brian stared at Tom as he finished singing, Tom swallowed dry and breathed deeply.

-You’re exceptionally talented, I admire you, Brian.

-Thank you – he smiled softly and caressed Tom’s hand again.

-That happened to you?-

-Well, yeah, kind of – Brian shrugged.

-How much? – Brian didn’t answer – How much he beat you up? – Tom stared seriously, frowning in concern and in a quiet, hidden rage.

-Well, it actually wasn’t so physical, it happened once or twice… maybe more. But it was mostly emotional, mental. And, answering your question, enough for me to get in hospital with overdoses.-

-FUCK! – Tom punched the pillow and looked away, both his fists shaking. – Brian, I SWEAR I’d kill this man if I ever got my hands on him! – He sighed, still furious but remembering when Brian had swallowed too much when they were together, realizing that maybe it wasn’t entirely this stranger’s fault. – Did that song help?-

-No, actually we weren’t really together, but things just got worse and worse until we couldn’t stay close any longer.- Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. – Tom, I don’t wanna talk about it. – he begged with his big eyes.

-Ok – Tom took Brian’s hands and kissed them like a knight kissing a noble lady’s hand. Brian giggled softly at Tom’s incurable “cheesiness,” but deep inside he felt grateful – I love you, Brian, more than I can put in words… and it makes me sick to imagine you so bad.-

-What about you? –

Tom sighed.

-If that’s what you want to know, I was in a relationship a few years ago. – Brian moved to ask for more, but paused, the tone in Tom’s voice asking him not to say anything more than what was necessary. He swallowed.

-And it was violent. Right?

-Kind of. Yes. Well, exactly as the poem says.

-And you didn’t do anything, just stayed and waited for them to hit you? God, you’re not a weak man!

Tom shook his head.

-Bri, you know me. I’m gentle, I treat everyone kindly, and I treat ladies as ladies, no matter what they might think of themselves.

-Ladies? Someone that hits someone else isn’t only not a lady, but she proves it! And how you can say that? Someone like that doesn’t deserve to be treated gently!-

-I am what I am, I like to be a gentleman and I believe I’m doing right, if they’re on wrong, that’s their problem. – Brian’s jaw fell open in disbelief, his eyebrows already pressing together the way they usually do when he’s upset.

-It was YOUR problem! I’m sure it was the problem of the one being beaten and not the one who enjoyed doing it! You’re not being kind, you’re being stupid! – He tried to hide the frantic edge that had been building up in his chest from spilling out, but his words smouldered with rage.

-I’m not gonna raise my hand upon a woman ever, Brian, for me women are women no matter if they fuck me in the ass or spank me as an asshole could. AND I’m gonna treat them like that – Brian’s head fell in disbelief, he slightly shook his head with wide open eyes staring the mattress before, his fists clutching the blankets and on the verge of a fit, before looking back at Tom again.

-You’re crazy. No matter woman or man, if someone is rude to me they’re gonna be treated just the same way AND… YOU SAID YOU WERE GAY! – He shouted in a high pitched and husky voice.

-And I am. – He said shamelessly, Brian’s eyes again opening wide, then narrowing.

-Oh, yeah, you fuck a girl, have an affair with her, and you are TOTALLY gay. Oh yeah. – Brian’s voice dripping with irony.

-Yeah, the same way you and Stef.

-WHAT?

-You hear me.

-But… that was YEARS ago. How could you know it anyway?

Tom giggled sarcastically.

-I didn’t. But I see I was right. By the way, same here about years ago.

-But it’s DIFFERENT. We were young, got a huge crush, were very close friends and things just became more. Now, sexuality doesn’t change, you know. So you’re bi and don’t admit it. – Brian concluded.

Tom smiled.

 -Can’t you see? Mine didn’t change, but I’m gay. I am and I always was. She was… – he tried to find a word and sighed before continuing – unique, the only woman for me ever, my only woman. And the first serious relationship I had, also first true love.-

-I see. – Brian stared at him a little, by Tom’s wise eyes, visibly hurt. They truly didn’t know what to say.

-You know… I’m jealous of you too. Jealousy is something you give and take. I never gave you any reason to be jealous, and you are. VERY jealous. I can’t help but think that’s because you were unfaithful yourself…- for a split-second, Brian looked like he’d been slapped in the face. – I’m sorry, but people usually see in the others what they have in themselves. – The poet said as softly as he could.

-I know, I’m sorry.- Brian sighed, taking unusual interest in trying to smooth the creases his fists had just made in the bedspread. -But about Stef… you know, Tom it really was more than 10 years ago. As I said, we were young, and still nowadays it affects our relationships because our boy and girlfriends can’t stand the way we’re close after they know about our history, you know. So we don’t tell anyone about it because we WON’T let it get between our friendship and the band, and also because it won’t come back. It was something from our past and we even gave up a lot of things to be together and you see, it didn’t work after all. Now I know Stef is just my friend… I mean, the best friend in the world, I love him more than I possibly articulate and more than most people, but… not a lover. So, please, forget about it ’cause it’s useless and a pain in the ass.-

-And you forget about her and any possible straight relationship of mine. Deal? – He reached out his hand.

-Deal – they shook hands, but neither of them was really smiling nor felt sure if they could keep this promise, and the feeling just made it clear that things wouldn’t be that easy for either of them. – I’m gonna sleep.-

-Ok – Tom nodded as Brian lay on the bed, his head turned to the wall. Tom stood up to turn off the light and wash his face as the make-up wouldn’t be of any use. He lay down after Brian, slipping slowly loser and hugging him from behind, his hand caressing the singer’s belly, before he planted a kiss on his shoulder and whispered a ‘good night’. Brian shrank into himself and sighed.

…

Brian woke up, slowly and dimly. His eyes blinked open and, when they didn’t blink back any bright lights, he figured it was not yet dawn. The drowsy but not heavy feeling in his body confirmed that he’d been asleep few hours. When his sleepy mind realized the arms around him were gone he automatically reached to the other side of the bed, only to find empty space and sheets. He turned, looking for him in the bed, around the dark room.

No sign of him.

Brian searched his cloths in the dark, wearing the first thing he found which ended up being a Bermuda swim shorts, which he had hoped to use earlier yesterday, and a t-shirt. He locked the room and crossed the corridor, he wondered for a second if Tom was in Anna’s room but decided he wasn’t, he could see her lights were off.

Outside of the building he walked on casually. He reached into his pocket and cursed himself out loud for forgetting the cigarette box in his room, he was used to having it in his pockets wherever he’d go. He thought about getting back into his room to take them, but again he chose not to do it. Walking without smoking once in his life COULDN’T be that bad.

Or it shouldn’t be, that is. He was already getting fed up. He reminded himself could stand whole gigs without one… and that thought just made him even more desperate for a fag. He searched one last time in his pockets and sighed with relief as he found an almost empty box and a lighter. How did he not find it before? He didn’t really try to answer this question: it didn’t seem important anymore as he lit the cigarette and all he could do was to feel the releasing sensation as he inhaled.

He sat down on a low wall and his mind returned to Tom, and he wondered why he was looking for him. He stood up again and walked around the hotel garden until he saw the swimming pool and wandered over, feeling melancholy as, apparently, this was the only way he could go to a swimming pool in peace. Alone, late at night.

As he stepped closer he saw who he was looking for, floating in the water, wearing his own swim wear without permission, which made Brian giggle briefly.

He sat down on the edge of the pool and dangled his legs in the water, admiring his lover. Tom was a handsome man. Even if he wasn’t in love with him, even if he wasn’t as charming as he was. His beauty had something special, it was so natural it could be ignored if you didn’t look closely, but the more you saw him the more there was to see: you noticed how gorgeous he was, and he was truly handsome enough to be a professional model. And even with his eyes closed and without uttering a word, something about him was just too expressive, too open but too mysterious, too… charming. Brian let the enchantment wash over him like the water washing over his legs, swept up by his peace as the Tom slowly trailed in dark water, side to side in the swimming pool. It felt like falling in love again, falling in love even more so than he was already in love, he remembered how he felt so similar the first times he saw Tom… and again his sense of time felt as liquid and changing as the water around him. Almost two months. Almost one year. He almost wanted to cry, without any apparent reason, just because of that soothing, flooding feeling of being insanely in love, and in some masochist way just being drowned by love felt wonderful.

Suddenly Tom opened his eyes, still not seeing Brian as he was only staring at the sky, but by his expression Brian could see he could smell his smoke. Tom dove and his head came up again. Brian smiled, Tom’s eyes and skin looked gorgeous in the night, with only the few white lights and the moon itself to illuminate him.

-Bri, cheri. – He rested his elbows on the edge of the pool. -I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake you up. What are you doing by here?

-I missed you. I missed your warmth surrounding me – he decided to ignore how clingy he sounded – and went for a walk, now here you are with my swimwear.

Tom grinned.

-So you missed my arms around you? – his eyes sparkled, he had that glint of a boy that was about to do a trick.

-Yeah, kind of. –

Tom suddenly tried to pull Brian. But he resisted. – WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I’M DRESSED.-

-So undress. – Tom said with his perfect grin, Brian had time only to blink twice before Tom pulled him again, this time Brian tumbled into the water.

-How dare you? – Brian pushed him, Tom laughed and hugged him against the upset weaker one’s will.

-You wanted to swim with me, didn’t you? And you missed my warmth, didn’t you? The water is warm, I’m here with you… Wouldn’t that be all you wished? – Tom smoothed his cheek, fingers going to his hair which was already curling up softly. Brian snorted, Tom slowly caressed Brian’s belly and started to lift his wet shirt which was sticking to Brian’s body under water.

-What are you doing? – Brian stared at him with suspicion and Tom kissed him instead of answering. He parted from the kiss and leant his head backward a little to stare back at him and kissed again. He kept this sequence of movies, kissing, stopping, staring, lifting his shirt until it was off of Brian, and Brian closed his arms around the taller mans’ neck and kissed him again. Tom parted his lips and finally slid his tongue inside, which was already craving for a real involvement.

Tom led Brian to the pool’s wall, still kissing him and breathing through his nose so as to make it last longer and started to unbutton his Bermuda shorts, making Brian break off the kiss and turn his face away to avoid Tom’s lips which were already getting closer again.

-Aren’t you going a bit too far? We can be seen. – He panted. Tom didn’t stop though, but slid his hand inside the swim trunks, massaging his member that was already getting hard, Brian moaned in indecision.

-I’m just downing it a bit. If we be quick no one would see us. – He assured in Brian’s ear, his husky voice, his French accent, all little bit too much for Brian who was almost giving in, even though he didn’t think it was a good idea at all. Not even giving him the time to think, Tom increased his touches, making Brian moan a bit louder with a priceless worried face.

-Oh, stop, stop, stop… – he breathed, his hand on Toms’ shoulder trembling. Tom squeezed him once more and obeyed, lifting his hands with a look of over-acted innocence. Brian’s mouth fell open in shock and eyes burned as he whispered fiercely -FUCK, DON’T YOU DARE STOP WHAT YOU STARTED! – He held Tom’s hand and pulled it to his pleasure zone, moaning with a stupidly pleased face. Tom grinned and stopped touching him again to push down his Bermuda shorts and the underwear underneath at the same time. Brian groped behind him for the edge of the pool while Tom disappeared underwater to take the clothing off, Brian raised his feet, turning his head to see if anybody was around, and Tom finally emerged with the pieces of cloth in his hand, he put them in the edge of the swimming pool with the shirt.

-You crazy guy, you’re the only one to make me do such insane things in my 30s! – Brian whined as he wrapped an arm around Tom’s neck again and pulled him closer roughly, Tom bit his ear while caressing his waist with a hand and downing his own swimwear with the other.

-Hold on tight… – he held Brian’s waist and helped him to get the height to wrap his legs around his waist, even though it wasn’t that necessary on a swimming pool, he quickly inserted a finger on Brian’s ass -I don’t think we have much time to prepare myself.-

-Me neither. – Brian nearly closed his eyes as Tom positioned himself.

-I’m going NOW. – He grunted as he thrust inside him, Brian moaned quick and loud in pain. After recovering their composure, they stared at each other, panting in anticipation, Tom pushed him harder against the tiled wall, sliding his length almost completely out of him before he pushed inside him again, Brian panted, holding onto Tom. They caught their breath for a moment before Tom repeated the movement, hard but somehow softly, gently, and Brian moaned and stared up at the sky, rolling his eyes as Tom repeated the movement again.

-A bit… harder – Tom obeyed, Brian half moaned, half grunted. Tom started to touch him, again hard but gentle, and Brian grabbed his neck, unconsciously scratching at his skin. Tom increased the pace, Brian moving his hips in answer, both moaning and panting heavily when feeding on each other’s lips. – Oh, fuck, yes… – he moaned, Tom started to bite his neck fiercely, but stopped as he remembered Brian wouldn’t like to have visible bruises and started to bite tenderly. Their chests were rubbing against each other under water, their pace picking up, faster and faster, as they became more and more lost in each other, feeling only their pleasure. Tom tightened his grip around Brian’s waist as he used more strength to push inside him, their pants increasing as Brian struggled to contain his loud moans, and Tom slowed it down a bit, moving in a more sensual way that drove Brian mad until they were fierce again.
Tom pulled them underwater as they came closer to climax, they pulled, scratched and embraced each other, locking their lips together as they unleashed their pleasure in a white liquid. When they couldn’t hold their breath anymore, Tom pulled out of Brian and they emerged from the pool. Tom lifted his swimwear and Brian put on his shorts, both still panting under their breaths.

Brian rested his head on Tom’s shoulder, laughing between pants.

-You’re crazy, I don’t do this sort of thing since… I don’t know since when! – He raised his head and kissed Tom.

-You don’t have a clue of how crazy I can be… just for you. – he whispered, his lips softly touching his ear.

-And you don’t have any idea of how crazy I was.-

-Brian… – Tom tipped his beloveds’ head backwards, looking Brian in the eyes and smoothing both sides of his face, his thumbs rubbing his cheeks -You don’t have any idea of how you make me feel, how you move me, how you turn my world upside down. I could move mountains for you, I feel as I could steal the moon just to give you if it was necessary… – those words reminded Brian of the song Ne Me Quitte Pas, a desperate favourite of his that never failed to make him cry. Without having to think any farther, the song started playing in his mind, echoing in his heart.

“Moi je t’offrirai
Des perles du pluie
Venues de pays
Ou il ne pleut pas
Je creuserai la terre
Jusqu’apres ma mort
Pour couvrir ton corps
D’or et de lumiere
Je ferai un domaine
Ou l’amour sera roi
Ou l’amour sera loi
Ou tu seras reine”

And before he could think, before he could understand why, he felt his eyes burning, he swallowed, unwilling to cry -Mon amour… I don’t know anymore who I am, who I’d be without you.- Tom said passionately, Brian stared at him, scared. Not scared of his love, scared of… he couldn’t know of what he was scared of.

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

They stared at each other quietly, and Tom drew Brian closer.

Why?

We love each other. We are together.

WHY?

Why does this smothering fear of losing each other surround us? Why can’t we just make love in peace, without any problems later? Since the first fucking time, no matter if it is an argument, if it is jealousy, even spied we were once… and I might count in the fingers of only one hand the times we could simply be together, could embrace each other, and stay together for hours in pure happiness.

Why?

And again before he could stop it, Brian was sobbing, he tried desperately to contain his tears, but it was impossible. A suffocating feeling filling his heart, overflowing to his throat and stomach. After kissing him, Tom stared helplessly at the sky, at the moon. Again trying to be the solace of his lover through his own pain. A pain that pressed against his heart. A secret pain, a pain that could be seen only through his soul, hidden. And the poor poet’s soul cried quietly as no one seemed to notice, as his body tried to comfort his crying lover. And in an inexplicable way they felt an abyss separating them, as they reached out for each other and ran desperately, back to their room, back to fitful sleep. An inexplicable feeling.

Ne me quitte pas
Je ne veux plus pleurer
Je ne veux plus parler
Je me cacherai là
A te regarder
Danser et sourire
Et à t’écouter
Chanter et puis rire
Laisse-moi devenir
L’ombre de ton ombre
L’ombre de ta main
L’ombre de ton chien
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

Chapter 5 – Girls

Anna and Tom were sitting in an open bar, checking all the pictures they took together at landmarks. Anna couldn’t know if she should feel embarrassed or proud of her protruding breasts, Tom assured it was fine and added that it’d take the attention of loads of pretty girls. And that made Anna blush like a pepper and she decided they should go to the line, even though they’d be in the VIP area and didn’t need that at all. Tom smiled.

…

Anna supported her hands on her knees, panting. God, the line is a big deal… She decided not to queue, it wouldn’t be of any use.

She sighed.

-ANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! – A girl screamed and ran to them, Anna’s face lit up and she waved. The girl didn’t slow her pace nor stopped before hugging Anna, with all the impulse of her body that was running a second ago, making them almost fall over. Both grinned as they almost suffocated each other, and just when they broke the hug Anna gained her senses again and realized her heart-beat was a bit too heavy and quick, probably because of the sudden attack of the blonde.

-Hi… you street teaming! – she noticed the sticker on Karin’s t-shirt.

-Yeah, me, my sis, the guys there…! It’s cool, you know! – she giggled between pants – You’re not on the line, why?

-Ah… VIP area – Anna scratched her head, embarrassed. Karin nodded with slightly raised eyebrows but didn’t say anything, just as usual.

Tom stared at them with a huge mischievous grin. Karin Anna stared at each other, giggling and talking loosely, until Karin finally noticed he was actually there.

-Oh, hi, Tom! – she smile sweetly.

-Hi, mademoiselle – he bowed, as usual, but his eyes had an amused glint now – Anna… I think I’m gonna search something to drink, will be right back.

-Oh, ‘kay – she nodded, Tom doesn’t usually leave me alone. Uh, last time he did he was after Brian. She giggled and forgot about it.

-So… – Karin started with a fake innocent voice, a childish smile and a naughty grin in her big eyes – how were your dreams? – Anna blinked twice and blushed a little when she remembered what that was about.

-I don’t remember dreaming. Wonder what they were about… – she ended with a dreamy voice, facing the ground before glancing up to check Karin’s reaction, which was a “you-naughty-and-coy-little-girl” look.

-I have to meet up the street team, come with me? – for some reason, she reached out, offering her hand to Anna.

-Sure – she smiled back and held her hand.

They came to a group Anna’s met some times before, she released quickly Karin’s hand and greeted the group.

-Liesl! – Anna noticed Karin’s twin, she almost couldn’t recognize her as she was wearing only a black strapless top, exposing her enviable skinny belly, large jeans shorts and scruffy snickers. It looked REALLY good on her, even though Anna couldn’t imagine Karin wearing those clothes, and tried to wonder how she would look, which seemed to be a little dumb as they were exactly alike. No…. actually Liesl is taller and skinnier… or maybe stronger, but she’s skinny anyway. She smiled and glanced at her, who noticed and smiled back.

-Hey, sweetie – Liesl waved, Anna turned back to her with a surprised face, none of them had time to say anything else as a guy, who Anna couldn’t remember well but seemed to have had an affair with her, based on his behavior towards her when they hang out together, tried to embrace her from the behind but she stopped him with her elbows. Karin giggled and Anna who was a bit perplex as the ex-couple have done that simple action in a quite rude way.

-It’s ok, they are aggressive but it’s nothing serious. – Anna nodded, still finding it awkward, and Karin kept smiling at her. Until they heard a very familiar laughter, actually more than one laughter, and they were loud.

-What? – Anna asked and noticed she had blushed.

-Nothing, nothing – Liesl shook her head and Tom, who was back and holding a bottle of beer, nodded.

Anna stared at them a little more, suspicious,  and turned to Karin, who was staring at her again and Anna blushed even more, looking away, Tom giggled loudly and couldn’t help hugging her, patting her head and squeezing her cheeks, all the things that would make her even more embarrassed.

-I guess you can take her with us to the VIP area – Tom whispered.

-Do you think so?

-Of course – he smiled – I take the responsibility, anyway – he pushed her forward, Karin faced her with a curious face.

-Guys, we’re in the VIP area. I guess we can take you with us… what do you think? – she asked, for some reason blushing. Not because of inviting them, but something on that made her feel as if she was following Tom’s advises and in that specific situation she felt as if he had second intentions, of course not evil, and she didn’t want to think WHAT was that, even though deeply she knew it, as anyone would.

-FUCK YEAH! – was the answer of the most cheerful ones.

-Great! – Karin, again, smiled.

-Ok, then. But we have to wait for them to open the venue, anyway.

-That’s ok.

Tom sighed.

-Anna… I brought make-up, do you think I can get some tips for reciting here? – Anna grinned.

-Of course I do! Do you have some poems in English?

-I worked on that – he grinned too.

-That’s great – Karin joined the smiling, everyone was so smiley that day! Anna took the make-up from Tom and started painting his face white, a kind of a mimic or clown’s black and white make-up. She did it very carefully, with a satisfied smiling forming on her lips every time she checked her work, it was beautifully done.

-Do you think it looks good? – he asked.

-I think it does, I didn’t know Anna was so good with make-up.

-Thank you – Anna grinned.

-And your clothes are very nice, by the way! -Tom grinned with that statement, as he was wearing the stripped black and white t-shirt he “stole” from Brian a long time ago, the suspensor from his grandpa and a pair of expensive and cool trousers Anna gave him for birthday. Also, the make-up and the boina were gifts of a friend that found the idea of him becoming a street poet funny. Basically, zero costs.

Anna came closer again and started to paint a black dot near the end of his right eyebrow, in the side of his forehead.

-Hmmm, done! – Anna grinned, she and Karin sat down near the venue walls – Alors, M. Poète, we’re waiting for your poetry to start! Vas-y!

-Aw, it’s cute when you talk in French! – Karin hugged her.

-Lol! I said just three words in French! – Anna giggled incredulous. Tom stared at them again with that amused glint on his eyes, he cleared his throat and as they turned to him he was already reciting…

-The golden falls, hiding the green that attacks the brown, and it all ends in red as it fastens, as it slows, as it approaches, as it touches, as it feels, as it kills… the fear – he ended, his closed lips slowly widened forming a poker smile.

-What do you mean by that?!

…

As the night passed they screamed, danced, jumped and, even though they’ve been through this many times, cried together. “They” meaning the girls, as Tom’s mind was in a parallel universe where all that existed was a singer, who was born to mesmer, purely. Anna got used to Tom’s behavior after experiencing it enough times, but this special day her mind also was in a different universe, which she didn’t even notice. She couldn’t notice.

Sometimes when you’re too deeply into something, a situation for example, you fail at realizing that, as you can’t see the thing that surrounds you completely. Somehow, this was being one of Anna’s best live experiences… at the same time, her mind was so focused in things and so distracted, as if she was floating in a river of running water… Everything felt weightless. Soft.

And… when it ended, it was supposed to cut and tear her little world, but after the shock she kept dreaming, she kept dreamy. For some reason. Maybe hope. She just felt things were ok, and she was happy. A happy person. A happy girl… And that thought mesmerized her, repeating over and over in her head as if she couldn’t believe, as if she was trying to understand it, as if she was trying to get used to its sound. And she only realized she was gazing wind with open eyes and a dumbly open mouth when a cold hand slightly caressed her face.

-I wonder what passes in your mind – Karin asked, smiling in soft solidarity and interest, Anna, who was sitting by her side in the ground, blinked and turned to her.

-Nothing… it’s just that I’m feeling happy – she said quietly, smiling with her eyes fixed on the ground. Karin’s hand lowered reaching her jaw and she lifted the dreamy girl’s face a little, showing her grin to her.

Karin wanted to say something, something that expressed how glad she was to hear that… but nothing came. She came closer instead, Anna carefully watched as Karin leaned forward, and as the other’s hot breath was already warming her face, her eyes lowered to her lips. Anna’s heart raced and she could feel her own lips trembling softly, a cold shiver crossed her body and there were butterflies on her stomach, her heart felt like a time bomb… and it exploded as she suddenly grabbed the long blond hair and their lips desperately found each other, their tongues attacking in a way that it could be anything, but a battle. It was all about lips, tongues, breaths, touches, until they parted and breathed deeply, panting. And between pants Anna started to smile, to giggle, to grin, in what seemed, and probably was, pure satisfaction or maybe even the thought that it was foolish to be so afraid of such a wonderful thing, Karin hoped.

-I waited so much for it  – Karin said, gazing into Anna’s direction, her hand crossing her colourful and soft hair. Even though it wasn’t their first kiss, Anna understood what she meant, felt that. This time it was passionate, mutual, maybe even symbolic, completely different from the awkward experience of their almost stole nocturne kiss.

Anna’s hand kept stroking Karin’s hair, she couldn’t how she never tried touching it before, it was incredibly soft and silky. Anna came closer and they kissed again, more tenderly, more softly, her tongue gently slid in as Karin parted her lips, just to be pushed back as Karin’s own entered Anna’s mouth, and softly she bit her lips when they were about to break the kiss. Karin drew Anna closer and after putting her bags on the ground they cuddled, Anna rested her head on Karin’s shoulder.

-You know, Anna. I really like you, very much. I want you to be my girl – Karin looked at her, Anna lifted her head a little and stared back, thoughtful, before resting it again.

-I’m not sure… I guess I like you too… – she blushed a little – Let’s just stay like that.

-Am I allowed to kiss you whenever I want to? – Karin asked teasingly.

-I guess so… – Anna whispered and blushed softly. Karin laughed and hugged her tightly. They broke the hug and Anna knelt, turning to her, face to face, Karin caressed her waist and drew her closer as Anna wrapped her arms around her, caressing her back and neck, they stared a little before kissing again.

-GOD, FINALLY! – Liesl exclaimed.

-HALLELUJAH! – Tom followed.

The girls turned to them.

-SHE’S MY GIIIIIIRL! – Karin glomped Anna and they fall on the ground, as they weren’t in the best of the positions already, she ignored it and rubbed her cheek against hers, making Anna become even more embarrassed and obviously… blush until she was red like a strawberry.

God, I didn’t even notice Tom wasn’t around, she thought.

-You guys going to party with us? – asked Liesl, lifting up a bottle of vodka.

-I won’t, what about you Anna? – Tom turned to the girl who was already standing up.

-Hm, I guess I’m with them – Tom grinned and hugged her.

-I’m happy for you, and thanks – he whispered and kissed her cheek – So, see you, guys! – he waved and bowed, taking out his boina, and smiling with his sweet make-up. Before he left, Karin winked, and he bowed again. Anna noticed it and wondered what it meant, then she wondered what Brian would think of Tom’s look, and then she forgot about it all and focused on her company and the night that was coming.

Why did she wait so long?!

But, after all it was more special like that…

She smiled softly and the blonde girl held her hand, and they walked like that, as if they were alone together. Suddenly Anna would understand why Brian and Tom acted like that when they were together, but again, when you’re too deeply into something you can’t notice it… the warmth of that simple hand was enough to surround her own little world. And she even wanted that night to be a cold one with snow, just so she’d have enough reasons to be close to her… Just to feel it…

Brian woke up, slightly covered by soft silk sheets, the morning sun seemed to be very shy through the window, so it didn’t hurt his eyes. He gazed wind for a short while until he considered himself awake, then he sat on the bed and noticed a guy sleeping by his side, arms and legs spread, he smiled at his poet, Tom.

Slowly his fingers drew lines across his beautiful and soft golden-tanned skin, from his chest, to his neck. Brian admired his “perfect” and handsome body, which somehow seemed to be more and more gorgeous each day. He caressed his thighs and decided to lie down again, resting his head on his shoulder and his hand on his chest… he covered themselves with the thin bed sheet and closed his eyes again, smelling his skin and feelings the warmth of his body. Tom settled, cuddling Brian more tightly.

They didn’t really know if they were asleep or not, and after all, they didn’t really care… it all was a nice and sweet dream.

-x-

Anna suddenly sat on the bed and yawned. Just like that, she woke up, quick transitions between asleep and awake are no good, was all that she could think. Actually, some seconds later she thought how random it was to think that when she wasn’t even sure if she was really awake.

She looked at the awful beautiful hotel room and sighed, she uncovered herself from the duvet and noticed there was a new message on the cell phone.

“IM COMING! 6 HOURS! WAIT”

Karin. She giggled after a while and stood up, walked slowly to the bathroom and laughed dumbly at her complete colourful mess plus sleepy face before washing her face, finally feeling awake with the shock of cold water. She came back to the room and took off her pajama, then… walked around, looking for a decent bra and some clothes, for precaution as she couldn’t know if she had the day free.

-What do I do now? – she whispered – Wait? Oh, yeah, television – she sat on the bed and stayed there, bored, watching TV in an unknown language.

-x-

Steve lit a cigarette, his mind was working slowly, morning effect.

-So – Nick started, they were sitting on a bench of the hotel courtyard – that girl you were dating, how she’s your girlfriend?

-Yeah. – he turned to him questioning – Why?

-Curiosity – Nick smiled, Steve giggled and inhaled.

-She’s nice, I like her.

-But… isn’t that hard to have a girlfriend while touring? – he raised softly his eyebrows.

-Hm, see Brian, he’s fine with that dude.

-Tom. But he’s following us.

-Yeah, he gets backstage many times. I never talked properly to him. Is he cool? – Steve turned to Nick, curious.

-I don’t know him well either, but he seems to be. He’s very kind and all – he nodded.

-I’ll try to get to him, IF Brian let me. – he giggled.

-The poor guy has to step back every time Stef shows up with that camera – he giggled too.

-Talking about me? – Stef suddenly showed up out of nowhere, scaring Steve.

-WHOA! – Stef giggled.

-Where is Brian? – they asked.

-I think… sleeping. Knowing him, I’m sure he had a looong night. I don’t know what I’d do if the walls were weak here ’cause that bitch is loud. – he giggled again. Steve wondered how he knew that, but laughed too.

-But, anyway, we’d better wake him up or he’ll oversleep. Just knock his door – Steve asked, Stef thought a little and nodded. It was interesting how sometimes young Steve seemed to be more careful with their schedule than Brian, even though the singer and front man was much more responsible now.

-I wouldn’t want to bother him, but I guess you’re right, I’m also sure his alarm clock is off. See ya – Stef waved while walking away.

-What were we talking about anyway? Tom? – Steve turned to Nick, a little bit close to him.

-I don’t know – Nick shrugged and wondered about the lost subject as he lit up his own cigarette.

-x-

When Brian finally managed to fall asleep again, a knock on his door woke him up, at least it sounded like a knock. He pretended he didn’t hear anything and waited on the bed, eyes closed, hoping it was just his imagination…. but he heard it again and decided to get up, Tom heard it too and was already sitting on the bed, yawning and slightly annoyed, so as Brian.

Brian put a robe on and slightly opened the door, exposing only his head.

-Morning – Stef smiled.

-Oh, hi – Brian relaxed and opened the door for real, Stef raised his eyebrows when saw the topless lover of Brian. He WAS hot.

-Just came here to wake you up – Brian’s sleepy face turned to a incredulous and revolted one.

-Good job! You’ve done that! – He snorted and was about to bang the door when Stef stopped him.

-Hey! We have interviews later, I know you didn’t set your alarm clock.

-Oh, that, fuck – he patted his forehead – thanks, Steffie – he opened his arms and Stef lent down, Brian kissed his cheek and hugged him – good morning, anyway! – he closed the door and sat on the bed, sighing – God, I almost forgot the interview. Hmmm, it’s your fault, boy! Just because I always forget about the rest of the world when I’m with you – he smiled and got closer to Tom, sitting by his side. Tom yawned and smiled.

-You make me forget the world even when I’m not with you. You’re my sun, my moonlight, my everything – he smiled dreamily, Brian giggled a bit embarrassed and rested his head on his shoulder.

-My lovely cheesy poet – Tom felt something missing – But you always remember Anna! – Brian then said.

-Well, that’s true, but that’s because she’s also important. You have your beloved ones too! Your son, for example… Stef- he said carefully – It’s very different.

-You’re talking about the most important people of my life, it’s different. – that puzzled Tom.

-Hm, Stef is pretty important for you, yeah?

-Yeah. Before Cody was born, I used to say that I never loved a man as much as I love him and, you know – Tom felt a stab somewhere when those words crossed his mind.

-You love him pretty much, hun?

-Well, after about 15 years… Yeah, I think he knows me better than anyone – Tom felt that again and sighed – What’s up? – Brian’s smile faded – Uh, nothing, I’m just tired – Tom looked up to face him and smiled softly, kissing his lips tenderly, no tongues involved. Brian raised his eyebrows.

-Ok, so. But brush your teeth before kissing me for real. – Tom laughed and stood up.

“-I know those kinds of friendship.

I mean close friendships with YOUNG people”

The words came to his mind, Brian showed up on the bathroom as Tom finished brushing his teeth and threw himself on the bed.

I think that I know why Brian’s so jealous of Anna. He sighed. Damn.

Stop it, Tom. You’re just jealous, you don’t have a reason to. Even because they don’t really have something… in spite of the fact that Stef is loved by Brian more than you are…

Fuck! He covered his face between his palms.

-Tom… – Brian called him, while sitting on the bed and tickling his feet, Tom wasn’t a very tickly person though.

-What? – he uncovered his face and looked at him.

-Tell me what’s wrong.

-Nothing, Bri – he raised his eyebrows, pretending he didn’t know what Brian was talking about.

-Really? – Brian’s fingers walked on Tom’s leg, Brian himself started to crawl until he was on top of him.

-Yeah, just sleepy. – he stared at the window.

-Wanna wake up? – his fingers walked a little down his belly… Tom gulped and turned to face Brian.

-You little naughty thing! – Tom shook his head, Brian kept staring at him with big eyes. Then he knelt around Tom’s waist and opened his robe, exposing his body and erect member perfectly. Tom’s jaw dropped a little, he surely have seen, touched and tasted that body before but surprisingly it never failed at mesmerizing him, especially when in surprise, like that. Brian slowly put a finger on Tom’s jaw, lifting it in order to close his mouth.

-Don’t drool… and I think I already woke you up. – he smiled naughtily, with the usual glint on his big eyes.

-x-

Anna decided to get out of her room, as she passed by Brian’s door she couldn’t resist to come just a little closer (her year touching the door) and check it.

-Fuck… they’re really two fuckin’ love birds – she whispered incredulous – and damn. Brian IS loud. – She turned around to check if someone saw her and quickly went out of there.

Looking around the daylight, the hotel felt familiar, as yesterday she was tired she didn’t notice that, but she probably have been there before. It didn’t make it feel better, very much the opposite.

As she walked in the restaurant, she saw the beautiful Placebo’s violinist, Fiona, it made her smiled. When she was about to go there to talk to her and ask for a sit together, she stood up and walked away, just waving and smiling as she noticed her. Anna waved back and put a fake smile on her mouth. Fuck. She threw herself in a chair at the next table she saw, and sighed.

Cell phone, nothing.

She sighed again and kept staring at that. What was that? One day she makes you feel uncomfortable, the other you miss her?

If someone makes you feel uneasy, there’s something there.

Could that…?

-Hey – a familiar voice called, completely distracting Anna of her thoughts.

-Stefan- she could feel her eyes opening wide and a freezing shiver crossing her body, from the tiptoe to her hair. – h-hi – she waved robotically.

-May I sit there? – he smiled.

-Yeah, yeah – she nodded and put her fringe behind, stroking her hair – I was so bored so I came here, was checking my cell phone and forgot to eat – she giggled nervously, Stefan smiled again. God, don’t be stupid.

-Tell me… – Stef finally started, Anna looked up at him surprised as she’s been gazing wind with a weird line of nervous and uneasy thoughts filling her mind – how does it feel to… hm be here with us? It must be weird, you already were a fan before Tom, weren’t you?

Is he REALLY gonna ask a fan and band’s question?!

-Well, yeah, I’ve been a fan for about 5 years… and a half. I don’t know how it feels at all. It’s just a coincidence. A rather weird one. A shock of reality, that. – she nodded, at her own point of view she was being surprisingly clear – I don’t know about it, I just feel it. Why?

-Just curious – he smiled – I always wonder about how do you feel – Anna grinned.

-That’s sweet! At least you care! Oh, sorry – she gasped – I mean… sometimes I’m afraid you don’t give a fuck, I mean, I know we’re just fans, but I’m glad you’re at least curious. – Stef stared at her thoughtful.

-Well – he started again – you don’t know how it feels to have a bunch of people idealizing you. You might think you love us, but you don’t know if you really do – he tried to be as soft as he could – It’s just that you don’t really know us.

-I know that. But I think love is much more than that, anyway – she sighed – Well, let’s put in a close example. Tom and Brian. Look, they don’t really know each other very well. I see how Tom feels curious about Brian, and I’m sure I know Tommy better than Brian. But… they love each other. I’ve been with Tom most of the time for the past months, as I think you do with Bri, and I SEE how bloody much he loves him, what he does for Brian. He has a life in Paris, you know! A poor and a free one, but a life. And he didn’t even know a song of yours when he decided to go after him through fucking Europe – she stopped when she noticed she just made a monologue and blushed, Stef seemed to pay a lot of attention though.

-I understand, you’re right. But it’s complicated, just that… – he said in a self-explanatory voice, keeping to himself his “complicated” ideas.

-I know – she smiled, Stef smiled softly back.

…

-Hey, guys – Brian and Tom showed up in the restaurant, stopping near the table where Anna and Stef were having their breakfast, Brian didn’t hide his surprise to see them sitting together.

-Hi – Stef waved, Anna swallowed her juice quickly and waved too.

-Bonjour – Tom nodded as a greeting.

-Bonjour, Tom – Stef smiled.

-Guys, today we’ll be busy at afternoon – Brian started – it’s gorgeous by here, so, tourism!

-Anna’s my tour guide, she’s been everywhere – Tom messed her hair, it was cool to do that with such a colourful thing.

-You from a good family, huh? – Brian said loosely while sitting.

-”Great” family – she whispered ironically and rolled her eyes. Now she remembered that she really has been there, when she was 5 or whatever, with her… “mother”. Brian didn’t listen, no one seemed to do. Maybe Tom, he was staring at her. – What?

-A bee.

-What?

-Near your hair.

-Oh – she shook her head and tried to make it go away.

-Anyway, as I was saying, we have an interview. And… I only have one more hour with you… Then, I’ll see you just after the gig – he was clearly talking to Tom, pouting, staring directly at his eyes. It felt weird to be with them when they acted like that, as if you didn’t exist. Anna rolled her eyes and laughed, Stef just ignored and drank his coffee. Tom smiled.

-Do you have something in mind for that one hour?

-Yes! – Brian smiled again – swimming! – Stef put his coffee down.

-Brian, are you sure it is a good idea? Do you remember Buen…

-Of course I do, but, Stef, she was SMILING at the camera, and I’ve swam many times without a problem.

-But he’s your boyfriend AND he hang out with fans, surely someone would recognize him too.

-Plus, I don’t have a swimwear. If you think it’s better not, I’m ok with that, seriously. – Tom added himself in the conversation, Brian bit his bottom lip.

-I wanna do something different with you… like a normal couple. Fuck…

-I know, we don’t have much freedom to enjoy ourselves, hun – Tom frowned and smiled in an effort to comfort Brian, who’s been in this frustrating situation much longer than Tom has.

-Damn. I’ll go for a fag. – he walked away, his good mood completely gone, Tom sighed.

-See ya – he waved and walked after him.

Anna watched them and sighed as they disappeared from her sight.

-Must be hard for him. It already sucks enough when you can’t go out with your girlfriend because you’re a girl yourself, I wonder how hard it must be for you.

-It’s pretty tough – Stef agreed, Anna smiled softly.

-I’m sorry to hear that, even because it’s kinda our falt…

-Oh, nevermind, I know you’re not all like that – he smiled honestly.

-Not at all. And oh, you can b sure I never wrote a fanfic in my life – they laughed.

Anna realized that Lisa was right… and that she was wrong.

She didn’t really know them. All she knew was the feeling she had.

Fucking love this band… and more, fucking love these guys.