Chapter 8 – Imminent
-Hm, Tom?-
-Yes?-
-You know I have just a few days before we start the Asian tour, right?-
-Yeah, I do.-
-You and Anna will go back to France, while I’ll…-
-Yeah, I know…-
-I’ll miss you.-
-I will too.-
-I love you.-
-I love you too… I don’t know how I’ll be meanwhile. But we’ll find a way, again.-
-Yeah…-
-x-
Spain, July of 2009
-Oh… my… God!– cried Anna as she stood in the middle of the mess, trying to organize her things. Tom was standing, his back leaning against the wall as he watched the scene carefully and thoughtfully. Karin sat next to her on the floor, near Anna’s luggage. The three of them where together by boredom, or maybe just the simple desire to not be alone, on that melancholic morning.
-Well, you’ve just been traveling all the time, so what’s the big deal just because you have only one or two more flights before going back to France?– asked Karin, frowning.
-Oh, I just put anything in my bags and went there, just like that. Now I’m putting everything in order for when I get home and aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrhhh!– she roared angrily and slapped her head a couple of times.
Tom smiled tenderly. -I guess it’s just the feeling of going home, of an end.-
Karin turned to him then looked down, sighing softly. -This is so sad.– she said.
-Hell, I know it.– he assured, sighing out loud. His words didn’t pass nearly what he felt inside, and it weighed like a rock. He sighed again, looking down and wondered about all the things that always complicated his lover’s life, and wondered why he blocked his feelings so much.
Karin glanced at him one last time, with a supportive ‘I know what it’s like” smile which turned itself into a sympathetic frown, and turned to Anna as the blonde walked over to place a shirt in one of her bags, frowning even more and trying as well as she could to smile again for her. And she failed, as the “smile” looked more like a weird thing trying to rearrange her face than anything.
-Oh, Anna.– she said, her hands on Anna’s knees. Her lover looked down at her with teary eyes, and as soon as the tears started to fall, she put both hands on her face and wiped them as well as she could.
-I… will… miss you SO much!– she tried to say between sobs so loud that they really made her hard to understand, forcing her to make long pauses and high pitched sounds when she could manage to get a word out. Karin looked at her sadly and got on her knees, hugging Anna clumsily and Anna hugged her back with all the strength the slightly chubby girl possessed, still it felt soft, not painful. Anna wasn’t nearly the strongest girl in the world.
Tom watched the scene melancholically, and remembered when he was woken up during the night by his concerned lover and their short conversation in the dark, and suddenly it hurt unbearably that they hadn’t cried, like an open sore. He sighed. He needed to be with Brian right now… but again he was busy. Busy, busy, busy. Goddamn busy… He sighed deeply, and felt like leaving. He just didn’t know how to say it though. Anna’s crying didn’t help, and at that very moment he didn’t sense his protective instinct toward her. All he needed was to get out, disappear, lock himself in his own frustration. And be with Brian.
His love.
And again his love came over him in a tidal wave, so strong to the point it seemed to suffocate him. He was drowning, and at that point he couldn’t stand that room anymore.
-Anna, chèri, ma petite, Je vais cherchez… quelque chose.– He shrugged and looked at her with a pleading face, and hoped she would understand, or misunderstand in a helpful way, as she usually did. She stared at him with her tearful eyes for a short while, as blankly as one that didn’t understand a word you just said, and then nodded, biting her lower lip sadly. – Je t’aime!– He smiled, relieved. Waving a goodbye, he almost stormed out of the room, but he stopped with his hand on the knob and looked back at Anna, smiling one last time, tenderly as his protective instinct seemed to come back. She looked at him and smiled too, and a moment of completely mute communication rose between them. All the information was wrong, yes, but still they could get a feeling of what they meant, and that was enough.
Tom stepped out of the room, crossed the corridor, and just as he rounded the corner he crashed into some short, dark-haired guy. To his surprise, it was no one but his Brian.
Since that first time Anna shared the hotel with the band, she decided to always go to the same hotels. For many reasons it was a bit simpler and definitely easier for Tom, and in even that first night the finer hotel had reminded her of her home, and her mother. Part of her couldn’t bear to give up the nostalgia: even though she couldn’t stand her, she somehow missed her mom in spite of herself. Karin was sleeping in the same room, even though Anna was a bit shy and scared to let things go too far. The poor blonde got more and more puzzled as she realized all the hotels her girlfriend was going to were the same as the band, especially when she saw them a couple of times and was starting to get really embarrassed: they’d probably be thinking she was some stalker fan girl, and she definitely wasn’t that kind of fan!
-Goddamn, Brian, what are you doing here?– Tom asked, raising an eyebrow in question and frowning with the other, making Brian giggle at the mismatch. –Didn’t you have an appointment with your managers or something?-
-I did, and it’s over. Actually it’s not over, but I escaped as I didn’t need to be there anymore, so I was looking for you.– he answered, frowning in his Brian-ish way, and Tom chuckled softly.
-Good. But I was at Anna’s room and her girl is there, you could be seen again, you know.– he said firmly.
-Fuck, Tom, I’m at the bloody hotel I’m paying for! I won’t hide HERE.– he assured, frowning, and with an expression that meant he didn’t give a damn and Tom was speaking non-sense.
-You’re right, but still… and did you just notice that I said “you know”? I’m getting this from you.- he pointed out. Brian laughed again, and Tom did too, more softly.
-OK, I say “you know” quite often, but, you know…- he raised his head to eye tom directly, with raised eyebrows and his very light eyes opened wide. –I just said it again! You know!- Tom had to laugh out loud at that: Brian couldn’t not say it!
-I just love you! – he said out of nowhere, between his laughs, suddenly wanting to kiss him right there. Brian just stared at him, containing his laugh in an almost childlike smile followed by his greedy and shiny eyes, provoking Tom to stare back, just appreciating his lover who, in those situations, didn’t seem to be that older nor to carry any bitterness from his unhappy past experiences or his own complexes. And in this rush of thoughts, Tom remembered things have been weird between them, therefore, if the silence and smiling stare lasted for one more second, it would get awkward, and as a result Tom would be left motionless and Brian would blush. And that was precisely what happened. They just didn’t know what to say.
Brian didn’t blush like the shy teenager in front of her lover, he did it like the grown up Brian he was, blushed for letting the things get to the point they didn’t know even what to say. And with a wave of rage came the conclusion that as a matter of fact, and Brian hated himself even more for that, they have never really known what to say. They just told about their lives when asked, and during the free time instead of talking about dreams, thoughts, or doing any useless thing you do with someone you like, telling anything stupid you just felt like telling a friend, they mostly had sex. And now that the sex isn’t enough, any stupid thing seems to disappear from your mind, as if your genuine ability to think was gone, and you realize that you don’t get along with your lover. The problem was… they still truly did love each other and craved for every moment in each other’s company, needed the attention and the feedback.
And in that very moment Brian felt broken. Felt as if he was only a remainder, a piece of shit, a true loser, and blamed it all on no one but himself, throwing even more weight upon his long wrecked self-esteem.
He looked up to Tom, without a sign of the bright smile that was shining on his beautiful and, by that time, thin lips just a minute ago, his expression only exposing a tired face marked by life and excessive stress. Tom’s smile faded immediately, turning into a concerned frown.
-What’s the matter? – he looked at Brian in his eyes, panicking secretly as he only saw an empty ghost of him. Brian sighed.
-No, nothing, I’m just tired – he lied.
You were perfectly fine a minute ago. Tom stared at him, concerned, but let it go. Things have been weird between them. Tom sighed and put an arm around Brian’s shoulder, smiling loosely.
-Hmm, maybe I could enjoy some rest too, if that’s what you need – he suggested as he caressed Brian’s long hair. It has grown so much in the last months… He remembered how Brian’s hair barely was shoulder length by the time they first met. So long, so long. And now they would have to say goodbye again, and that just truly hurt.
Rest? No I won’t go to bed with you now. I can’t, I need to share something different with you. I can’t stand this open prison anymore.
-No, no, I’m fine. Wanna go for a ride? – he asked, more than hoping, he was almost praying for his tired voice being enough to erase any resemblance to Pictures, hoping Tom didn’t know the song and that if he did, he wouldn’t remember it. Because it was the first thing that came to his mind right after he said it, and it definitely didn’t fit the occasion.
-Is it you who sings this song? – asked Tom, raising his eyebrows a bit surprised and amused – That one with “I wanna go for a ride, I wanna take pictures of you” lyrics or something.
-Yeah – Stupid law of Murphy! Damn! And even sang it wrong… – I guess you knew a song I sang after all!
-Oh, yeah – he chuckled, raising his eyebrows a bit amused by the dirty memories that flashed through his mind, memories of when he first heard the song. Oh, good memories.
-What is it in your mind, naughty boy? – Brian asked with his shifty eyes and a naughty pout, giggling then, his laughter always echoing through the room.
-Nothing, just some past experiences – he said with the naughtiest smile ever, causing Brian’s to fade softly in jealousy, as he started imagining those said past experiences, feeling morbidly jealous, wanting to hug Tom and say “it’s mine”, and Tom obviously noticed that, embracing Brian more tightly – Don’t be jealous. You’re the only experience I’ve been having have some time – he smiled reassuringly, Brian didn’t feel any better though. He just wrapped an arm around Tom’s back and rested his head on his shoulder.
”Experience”… Do I look like a guinea pig? He sighed.
Things were getting weird between them.
-x-
Anna and Karin held each other’s hands, tight and sweaty in the summer heat. They set out from the hotel together to take in and enjoy the fresh air on the last days they had together. It hurt to even think about it, and it showed in Anna’s melancholic face as her head rested in Karin’s shoulder, shameless. They would not hide, not at all, it was offensive and wrong just to think about it. Anna stuck to her girlfriend as if she was trying with all her heart to remind herself, and the world, that she still had one. Oh…
The girls didn’t have the courage to talk about it yet, about what they would do after Anna’s trip came to an end. They couldn’t tell who was avoiding the subject, whether it was the shy and insecure Anna, who’d come blushing to Karin and then decide to talk about anything other than leaving, or the confident though quiet Karin, who waited and waited for the right moment. But when was the right moment? The feeling they got was that they’d wait until the goodbye to know. Or maybe they’d never know, forced to jump to conclusions. They felt as if it wasn’t going to work and that feeling crashed their hearts.
Anna quietly pulled even closer to Karin, containing her dry need to sob.
The grip in their hands was all the communication they had in that moment, it was like a straight line of feelings, so intense it turned constant and unchanging as their bodies became used to it.
They sat together on a bench and still didn’t let go, not even to cuddle as Anna raised her head softly to look at Karin with her small and delicate brown eyes framed by long lashes and perfectly done make-up, Anna had magical fairy hands for this stuff, Karin slowly leaned forward to plant a kiss on her painted lips and a shy tender smile spread across Karin’s naturally light pink lips. Anna smiled back and stared at her for a second before kissing her, a soft kiss, and as Karin raised her free hand to tenderly caress Anna’s neck, their lips parted and let their tongues explore each other’s mouths and caress that warm wet space while they had time. Their hearts softly started pounding faster and deeper, it was barely noticeable through their chests but they still could feel it, through the neck, through the small vibrations that they could hear with the close contact.
It was a fact that when they kissed, when their eyes closed and all they could feel was their small world, the clothes they wore, the bank they sat at, the ground that their feet touched, and the strongest and most present thing to them, each other’s body. The rest of the world seemed to disappear. Only the immediate feelings were there, sometimes even the bench seemed to evaporate and then Anna would grab Karin’s arms, opening her eyes in astonishment thinking she had an hallucination because she felt like she was going to fall and then Karin would laugh and say she needs some sleep because she’s already dreaming…
Karin sighed. She was going to miss her cute chubby one a lot… She smiled as she remembered she couldn’t ever call Anna that without offending her and hurting her feelings. She chuckled, wondering how Anna couldn’t realize that she looked just… perfect like that. She melted in her own little world, there was something about Anna that just seemed so pretty to her, starting with her curving hips, ample breasts, and going to her pretty and delicate doll face of smooth pinkish white skin. Just like a doll. Her doll.
Anna spied her with curious eyes, opening them wide so that they didn’t look so small. She always felt embarrassed when Karin looked at her like that, she already had an idea of what she was thinking about but couldn’t help asking…
-What? – in a low voice that made it sound cute and soft, different from her high pitched moments even though she always sounded pretty girly.
-Nothing, just thinking about you. – Karin answered with her ambiguous smile that resembled a pout. Anna frowned and looked suspicious, before looking away a bit. Today she didn’t answer “Thinking about how beautiful you are” or similar. Anna pouted, thinking “what is on that blondie’s mind?” She blushed and straightened her back, sitting correctly on the bench, Karin crossed her legs in a boyish way she turned to Anna, her back not touching the bench anymore, and supported her elbow on the back of the bench instead as she rested her head on her hand. Anna couldn’t get used to that.
-Hey, you don’t need to be this way every time I stare. – she giggled quietly, grinning.
-Oh, well… – Anna blushed and pouted, frowning – It’s OK that you look, you have your eyes for what, anyway? But please give me some space, you know it bothers me when you keep staring like that… I feel kind of naked or as if there was something funny on my hair. – and she blushed even more as she said that, she looked down and frowned even more but her eyes were absolutely firm and determined. Karin’s eyes opened wide in answer, and she raised her hands as a sign of truce.
-OK, won’t do this anymore. – she answered, astonished. Anna smiled softly and kissed her on the lips in answer. Karin smiled into the kiss and held her girlfriend’s delicate head.
The place was public and they knew people would stare, but they refused to care. It didn’t matter anyway, no one knew them. At least, no one should because, a face Anna would have recognized within a second if she just glanced, was there, staring with eyes opened wide in the shock, his jaw dropped and his mouth opened, the world seemed to stop for him, all he could feel was disbelief, in his eyes, in that scene. His suitcase had fallen on the ground, his hands no longer could it as he felt like he lost his senses. His feet still were automatically moving, slowly and clumsily when he caught sight of those girls, stopping only after the third step when his suitcase had fallen, and the first word that came to his mind was “Anna?” Also slowly, his mind started working in an increasing pace, his vocabulary being extended from “Anna” to “That cannot be my daughter, I saw that wrong.” He wanted to believe that, and all he could do was to run away, quickly grabbing his neglected suitcase from the ground and pacing inside the building, forgetting any appointment he had and moving almost unconsciously back to his hotel room.
As he got inside his hotel room, all he could do was to wash his face countless times and then loosen his tie, sitting down on his bed.
He was a business man, he did not have time to think about those things, he built an empire and now he had a compromise with it. If he let go of it for a second he could lose everything. He gave the best education to his daughter for her to become that?! He still couldn’t believe what he saw, he couldn’t believe it was her. That feeling pulled at him, incredulous, but his eyes told him it WAS her. He took his mobile phone, there were a few pictures of Anna there, which he looked when he remembered, usually when he had one minute of peace in his bed or office. The pictures weren’t new, actually it had a long time since he saw her, he couldn’t remember if it was months or a year. He analyzed the pictures he’d looked so many times and had never noticed the details, the girl he saw really looked like her… Her hair was similar but not… as coloured as the hair of the girl he’d seen. But the last time he saw Anna she indeed had coloured hair, which shocked him. But was it those colours? That he couldn’t say. He felt ashamed for not knowing. And why was she here? Well, it was her gift to have a tour around Europe now that she finished school. It could be her. There was only way to find out.
Still with the mobile phone in his hand, he dialed the number he couldn’t forget and on the other side of the line, a girly voice answered, obviously surprised, making his heart skip.
