Chapter 7 – Confidence
Karin lounged on the bed, leaning back on her arms for support and trying to look casual while cultivating a gentle smile on her lips. Lounging was easy: she was a bit tired. But the smile kept sagging down at the edges and needed a lot of help keeping the shape most smiles had by nature.
-Do I look good? – Anna turned to her, again, after anxiously arranging the black coat she had just tried on for the third time.
-Of course you do, Anna. – Karin answered, her blonde hair bobbing a bit as she nodded and pushed the corners of her lips up a little more and trying to squeeze some enthusiasm into her voice. She really hopped it sounded genuine, and she really hoped to that room soon.
-Really? – Anna frowned, turning to the mirror quickly, running her hand over her colourful hair to smooth away the frizzy stray strands that always came from dyeing. – You said that a hundred times! – Karin sighed and pushed the corners of her mouth up again, trying desperately not to let her boredom show. Anna could have worn an old t-shirt and jeens and looked good. Hell, she could wear nothing and still look… Suddenly her smile curled itself into perfect shape.
-Because it’s true, you’re gorgeous anyway. – she said quietly, as usual, but with more feeling this time. Anna stared at her a little and smiled too, giggling as she made one last twirl in the mirror and then walked towards Karin, kneeling in front of her and crossing her arms over the other girls knees knees. Grinning and leaning forward, she reached out and caressed the blonde’s cheek, her hand slipping through her soft hair, they stared at each other before Karin leaned forward and they kissed softly. Karin slowly sucked Anna’s bottom lip, tilting her head a little to make it easier, parting her lips too and letting Anna’s tongue slide inside, not as shyly as before, but still soft. Karin melted inside with the sweetness of every touch of her new girlfriend. She was Anna’s first girlfriend, and she melted again remembering Anna’s awkwardness and even fear at first, but Karin had known there would be something between them, that there [i]was[/i] something between them, and now Anna knew it too. They searched for each other another few, delicious seconds before parting, Karin let her hand fall from Anna’s hair and kept staring at her with loving eyes, making Anna to blush a little.
-What? – she asked, suddenly embarrassed and looking away.
-Nothing. – Karin giggled playfully, her stare fixed. Anna spied her, suspicious, smiling, and their eyes met.
-x-
-Tooom! – Brian called him with a whiney voice, sitting cross-armed and cross-legged on the bed, hair still dripping and wearing a pale pink bathrobe from the hotel room.
-Yes, love. – Tom answered in an ironic, joking voice.
-Come here – Brian patted his knee, Tom shrugged and went to his temperamental lover. Brian pulled him by his hand and Tom sat by his side, deciding it was best not to squash Brian with his own heavier backside. He was in a mood, he could tell. – Do you really want to go out today? – he asked, pleading, still holding Tom’s hand on his own lap.
-Well, yeah. Why not? – Brian sighed and rolled his eyes ceilingward.
-I feel lazy. And ugly. And I don’t know what to wear. And I’m not in the mood.- He pouted. -Just that. – He rested his head on Tom’s shoulder and carried on. – And my hair will curl up when it gets dry. – he added, running his free hand through his wet tresses and looking melodramatically at his partner. Tom giggled.
– Chérie, your hair is gorgeous all curly… you don’t have a clue of how sexy you look when it’s like that! – He ran his fingers through the soft tangle. Brian grunted, Tom started to nuzzle his neck but was pushed away by the smaller one.
-No. I don’t. And stop it.-
-What? – Tom didn’t understand, trying to pull their clasped hands up to kiss Brian’s.
-Not in the mood. – Brian replied a little curtly and pulled his hand away. Tom stared into space with a foolish expression and then sighed.
-Lie down. – Tom asked.
-What? – Brian frowned as Tom stood up.
-Lie down on the bed… – he repeated, smiling down at Brian in his pink bathrobe.
-Why? – Brian raised his eyebrows.
-Just do it – Tom giggled, Brian kept his eyebrows raised, not understanding anything.
-Ok, ok – he nodded while he shifted and lay down, his head on the pillow and looking up at Tom. Tom crawled on the bed and kneeled, straddling Brian, legs on either side of Brian’s thighs, and started to undo the tie of the bathrobe. Brian put his hands on Tom’s. – I’m not having sex now, Tom! Respect it, I’m not in the mood!-
-I’m not going to fuck you. – Tom laughed, and it was true, he wasn’t hard either.
-So what do you have in mind? Generally when someone tries to take off my clothes and stay on top of me, we’re gonna shag. – he said ironically and crossing his arms. Tom smiled, Brian really was in a tough mood today.
-Well. Let’s start from your hair. – he sighed and continued, leaving the belt to touch the other’s hair again. Brian stared at him with a puzzled face – Do you know how beautiful, bright and soft it is? Anyone that sees you just want to touch it, it’s gorgeous, Bri.-
-Yeah, and also expensive to look like that. Without a hair straightener it’s shit! – he answered right away. Tom sighed.
-You think that ‘cause they are your own curls. Everyone loves them, but you. – he said seriously and pouted a bit, before continuing. – Now, your face. It is just the most beautiful, you look so younger… you have those pretty cheeks, those sexy and adorable lips and the most gorgeous and impressive eyes I’ve ever seen…. – Tom breathed, staring down in rapture. Brian stared back, flattered.
-But my skin is bad. – he said looking away, feeling embarrassed as he couldn’t hide from Tom’s eyes. He was surprised by how piercing they became as they got to know each other. He never expected it from such serene eyes.
Almost business-like, Tom ran his hands down Brian’s torso and carefully started to untie Brian’s bathrobe, making Brian pout and raise his eyebrows again. -Where are you going with this? – Tom giggled and opened it, exposing Brian’s naked body and making him blush softly, the skin on his face, neck, and chest turning pink. – Ok, you’ve seen me naked a hundred times, whatever, you know… – Tom caressed his neck with the tip of his index finger, the skin flushing slightly closer to red.
-And I can’t get tired of it. Your sexy collarbone, your adorable nipples… – he said lovingly, while following the directions with his finger, Brian blushed all the more heavily. – …your beautifully formed hips and your cute bitable belly that I so love. – Brian giggled, Tom softly squeezed it, making Brian make a high pitched sound, Tom laughed. – I don’t need to comment on what we have a little bellow that. – he grinned, with his shinning eyes, and Brian pouted naughtily.
-Oh, just the best part. – Brian sighed in fake disappointment, maybe with a small hint of truth.
-Yeah, very funny, you’re getting hard, chèrie. – Tom shook his head, and grinned again, caressing Brian’s thighs, making him get harder, unintentionally, – You also have the hottest legs I’ve ever seen. And Brian, chèrie, do you want to know why am I doing this? – Brian thought a little, and pouted again, more playful than naughty now.
-Flattering me so we shag? – Tom rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead.
-No… – he leaned forward, staring lovingly and directly into Brian’s eyes. – I’m showing to you how absolutely gorgeous you are! – and he grinned, in that charming way only he himself was capable of. Brian’s eyes shinned a bit as he said that, and he smiled, self-esteem completely renewed. Tom, satisfied with his reaction, softly pecked his lips.
His prone lover held his head with both hands and pulled him closer, locking their lips together, gently building the kiss up.
-Too late, now I’m hard. – he said, and Tom smiled naughtily.
-x-
-So, Tom will catch up with us later? – asked Karin as she and Anna walked along a park, under white lights of lamp posts matching with the silvery moonlight.
-Yeah, he’s going out with his boyfriend, then after that we’ll meet him at a bar. – Anna answered, distracted.
Karin frowned, puzzled. -Couldn’t he come with his boyfriend? – Anna’s eyes opened wide and she blushed as she tried to think up an excuse. She hated lying.
-Well, his boyfriend is kind of introvert, a weird guy, I don’t know. He’s busy and would rather spend time alone with his boyfriend. – She wanted to slap herself in the head just after saying it, [I]stupid answer, stupid girl![/I]
-Ah. – Karin raised her eyebrows and shrugged. – So why will Tom meet us after all? –
Anna turned to her and gawked for a moment, incredulous. -He’s my friend! Because I want him to do so! – She answered almost offended, and Karin giggled.
-I know, but wouldn’t his boyfriend be annoyed? – She turned to Anna, smiling gently.
-Well, yes, maybe. But his boyfriend has friends too. I guess Tom said he’ll meet up with… a friend of his, don’t know who, later. – she still wanted to slap herself for the answers, they sounded so stupid. But well, Tom DID tell her that and Brian WOULD meet Stefan after all. Anna sighed. After all she really wished they could hang out in group, even though, thinking better of it, it would be pretty embarrassing to hang out with Brian. With or without her girlfriend, she just felt embarrassed near him.
-Wanna sit somewhere? – Karin asked, staring at Anna, who nodded.
-Yes. A bench? – She suggested.
-Yes, look, there’s that one near the fountain! – the blonde ran to sit there, Anna giggled and went after her, they threw themselves into the bench like children playing some game, and laughed as they did so. They stared at each other, and then at the fountain, at each other, a foolish smile playing at their lips, and as they didn’t know what to do, they did what they wanted to… ignoring anyone who could stare awkwardly at them, the happy and careless couple kissed.
And by that fountain, there wasn’t an outside world. Just them.
-x-
Brian and Tom took a seat on the restaurant. It was glamorous, not Tom’s favourite kind of place, but at least he knew how to eat something with those unnecessary armies of forks and knives, he’d learnt with his family, even though it wasn’t even socially necessary. They just liked to pretend they were glamorous as well.
Tom looked around, analyzing the place, waiting for the server. Brian was eyeing the server. As is often the case in restaurants like this one, all of them were very good-looking women or men, and of course, he had found the most beautiful of them, an auburn haired woman with full curves and green eyes. Tom raised his eyebrows and pouted a bit, he didn’t mind Brian’s staring, but he wondered what was passing on his mind as he carefully watched those greenish-grey eyes of his lover, so far away from him and full of thought.
-She is beautiful, isn’t she? – Tom decided to say at last, breaking the silence. Brian turned to him, surprised.
-Well, yes. – he nodded, glancing at her once more, a bit embarrassed. Tom smiled for a moment, and neither of them knew what to say, keeping an awkward silence until the waitress came back to the table.
-May I take your orders? – she asked in English, which surprised Tom, but not Brian who smiled brightly.
-Yes. I’d like… – Tom watched as Brian made something as simple as an order a reason to eye her, not rudely but so very there. He wondered if he missed them, women, analyzing if he only thought she was attractive or if he really desired her. And the poet wondered, not for the first time, if he was enough for Brian. He felt his heart sinking thinking about it, and hated himself for being even a little jealous… You stup…
-Tom?-
Tom blinked twice, looking from Brian to the waiter and back. -Sorry?-
-Your order?- Brian said with the gentle firmness of someone who’s repeated them selves a few times.
-Ah, yes…I…-
And with those thoughts, the night went on.
-x-
-Hey, Brian! – called Stefan over the noise inside, having just arrived at the bar they’d agreed to meet at.
-Stef! – Brian turned to him, watching how he clumsily took off his coat like his gangly arms where too much to coordinate, and smiled softly, opening his arms for a hug, which Stef most willingly gave him. The tall Swede sat by his side, and watched Brian a little.
-You look tired, and thoughtful. What’s up? – Brian smiled at him, how he always noticed when he wasn’t well.
-I don’t know. – he giggled, but the laugh didn’t reach his eyes.
-Are things not fine between you and Tom? – he asked, frowning.
[I]Right to the heart of it[/I] Brian thought. -I don’t know. – Stef raised his eyebrows. –I think I’m missing women, I don’t know.-
-Isn’t sex with Tom good? – Brian gasped and his opened wide.
-Oh, much the opposite. He’s one of the best fucks I ever had. I sometimes even think I am becoming a sex addict, we have sex almost every day, and when we’re in the mood it’s more than once. – he chuckled. – It’s amazing.- But the crease between his eyebrows stayed.
-Hm.– Stef wondered a bit –So what is the problem?-
-I don’t know. I miss sex with a women… Miss touching their breasts, how soft they are and… – Stef raised his eyebrows. – Ok, I KNOW you’re gay but I am not and I miss it.-
-Well, doesn’t Tom let you fuck him?- the bassist asked before taking a gulp off his newly arrived beer.
-He does, Stef! – Brian whined. – It’s not that, you can’t understand and… I don’t know! – he sighed. – When I said I felt like I am becoming a sex addict, it’s not only a good thing. You know, I’ve been trying to avoid having it for a while… and I just can’t! I think I got this idea that every time we have sex, something bad is going to happen… I just feel like…-
[i]“Why does this smothering fear of losing each other surround us? Why can’t we just make love in peace, without any problems later?”[/i]
Brian sighed again, Stefan watched him, concerned.
-You’re pretty sad, aren’t you? – He caressed his friend’s back. Brian swallowed dry, feeling like shit.
-Sorry.-
-You don’t need to be sorry. Things will resolve between you two, you’re going through a tough time, it will pass. – Stefan smiled in support, Brian smiled back and leaned in to hug him. – And you know something? I like Tom. I really think he’s a nice guy and you deserve it Brian. – Brian smiled to himself at that, but then he wondered about what good was Tom, wondered about Tom’s life and personality. And again he remembered that, after all, he didn’t knew much about him. He just knew about some things he could learn with just being around him for weeks.
-I love him very much, you know… – he said, quietly, barely audible over the crowd around them.
-I know.- the Swede murmured back.
-So why do I have to feel like this? – Brian turned to him, his eyes gleaming with tears that threatened to fall.
And his tears made good on their threat and Brian cried on Stefan’s arms, and in another bar Tom pretended to talk with the girls as his mind was far away on the stars, wondering about anything, and the girls paid attention to each other, and they laughed and they joked… until each one went to their own hotel room, and Brian and Tom slept together, cuddling to each other, letting themselves be surrounded by the innocence of the sleep and after hours of torture by their own thoughts, for one moment they each forgot life’s complications.
