Chapter 6 – Don’t
Tom showed his card to the bouncer, who glanced at the “PLACEBO DRESSING ROOM” on the laminate card and mumbled an OK and some directions. Tom walked on, passing through several doors. He paused as he passed by one, hearing a weird noise. A moment later he realized what he was hearing. Mumbles and pants. He raised his eyebrows and walked on, remembering some of the fans in line gossiping about the possible relationships between the band members. He smiled to himself as he thought about himself and Brian, who had once shared a closet themselves, and he giggled at the thought that it could be anybody in there, even kitchen staff on break.
When he got to the right door Tom knocked twice. Sean let him in, and soon everyone at the room was grinning at him.
-Oh, what do we have here?! – Brian exclaimed. – Is this a… a clown?! – They both laughed.
-Beautiful make-up. – Fiona smiled, looking curious.
-Cool! – Stef exclaimed as he walked in and saw Tom’s makeup, turning off the camera he brought.
-Seriously, this is different, did something special happen today? – Brian asked as he put his arms around Tom’s neck.
-Just recited something out of the venue. -
-Ouch! If some fans left before the gig it’s your fault! – Brian said in a fake worried voice. – Was it fun?-
-It was! Your fans are lovely, a day with them would be better than 3 bad days in Paris. I have a lot of bad days in Paris. -
-Recite something for us! – asked Fiona from her spot on the couch.
-Hm, let me think… I guess I’m too sober and too tired to recite something wise, but for a pretty lady it’s worth the try. –
-At least you rhyme, huh! – Brian mocked.
-You should stop and think, my lady-man, about what you say. But if your mouth seems to be big here, that’s because you haven’t seen it when laid! -
-Oh, big mouth da-da-ran-da-dan. – Brian mumbled.
-Ok, I’m sucking today. – Tom laughed.
-Oh, really? That’s great, I actually could do with a blow job… – Brian said in his gayest playful voice, which ended up being nasal and husky. Brian was right about his cigarette’s effect on his voice, even though it was bad for his body.
-But, Tom, if you’re not feeling creative, just recite us something you have already written. – Fiona suggested.
Tom considered for a moment about what he could recite, which of his poems he would choose.
-Well, I have one I could recite. You see, I can speak and understand English, but not perfectly, so forgive me for not rhyming very much. – He cleared his throat.
“In the moonlight, your skin shines
The sweat drops fall,
Your body is wet
So as mine
“And as I rise
You, who knelt,
Get on your feet
And hit me
As hard as it felt
“I didn’t know where the pain was
On my bleeding mouth
Or my broken heart?
“And you lay me down
And you stay upon me
Literally, emotionally
Making something inside me melt
“The world was role reversed
And the mess breaks the heart
Breaks the known and tear my soul
“I see your back
I feel your farewell
I know you cry
Tears that won’t die
But tears have long dried”
His poem had cast a hush over the small room, Brian staring intensely at him as he recited. There was a pause after the last word, broken a moment later by Fiona’s clapping and the others followed.
-Wow, Tom, I didn’t know you were good. – Brian breathed, still gazing at Tom. Tom laughed at his lover, remembering how, long ago, he refused to hear his poetry.
-Thank you, Brian, I think. – Something on his stare was too strong, too piercing. He knew he was thinking something, and he wondered how close Brian could get to the meaning of his words.
-It was beautiful. – Fiona smiled, a glint of admiration on her eyes, which made Tom like her even more, after all his cheesy poems were the fruit of his knowledge that many women and girls didn’t care for sexual, sad, or disturbing stuff.
-Hey, guys!- Steve walked in the dressing room, wiping sweat off his face. –Oh, hi Tom! -The drummer smiled when saw him and leaned against the wall, a little tired.
-You missed his poetry reading! – Fiona turned to him, still with that pleased smile, apparently forgetting the he wasn’t much into poetry, unless it had a melody.
-It wasn’t a big deal. – Tom smiled humbly.
-Of course it was, you’re an artist! – She repeated, Tom didn’t know what to say and gave his indefinable charming smile.
-Isn’t Anna here? – asked Stef and Tom grinned, half in amusement, half pride, before answering.
-No, today she’s with friends. – Stef smiled back. Brian was awkwardly quiet, staring off into space and occasionally glancing at Tom.
-Hey – Nick stepped into the now crowded room, drying his hair with a small towel and smelling strongly but not unpleasantly of shower gel.
-Ok, now we can go. Do you guys want to come with? – Sean turned to the younger boys.
-No, today I’ll pass. – Steve nodded.
-Same here. – Nick glanced at him and sighed, looking beat. Brian put his arm around Tom’s waist, as a signal for them to move. Outside the venue there was their van waiting and apparently no fans. Appearances can be deceiving, because as the vehicle started to move they could see a couple of people running and screaming desperately in an useless attempt to get their attention. Inside the van it was another world, far away from screaming fans, set to the music of the sleepy drone of the motor and the sound of their own breathing.
Brian rested his head on Tom’s shoulder and they sat quietly while watching as the bright lights and crowded streets to the much calmer road leading to their hotel. Brian slung his one nearly empty bag over his shoulder, the one that held a few necessities he liked to take anywhere with him, and paced into the hotel. As they walked down the corridor, Tom, one step behind Brian, noticed his hand shyly searching for his own and hugged him tenderly from behind, Brian caressed his arms in answer.
Inside the room, they did the usual things: changing clothes, brushing teeth, Brian washing and moisturizing his face. Tom decided to keep his make-up for nocturne games. When Brian finally joined Tom, who was already sitting on the bed in his boxers, Tom gently kissed Brian’s lips and smiled, watching his thoughtful expression until Brian would notice his knowing stare. Brian sighed.
-Your poem today… made me think. – Tom nodded, waiting for more – Tom, was that a true story? – Brian caressed his lover’s hand.
-Yes. -
Brian frowned.
-I see. It reminds me of a song of mine… – he cleared his throat and glanced at Tom, searching for a permission to sing it, which he found in his eyes.
“Leave me dreaming on the bed
See you right back here tomorrow – he smiled softly at Tom’s surprised and concerned face. –
for the next round
Keep this scene inside your head
As the bruised turn to yellow
And the swelling goes down – he sang staring directly at Tom
“And if you’re ever around
On the city or the suburbs of this town
Be sure to come around
I’ll be wallowing in sorrow
Wearing a frown
Like Pierrot the Clown – he gently smoothed Tom’s make-up while singing, his poet wearing a visible frown, and he bit his lips with the sudden touch. Brian lowered his eyes, looking away, as he started the next stanza.
“Saw you crashing round the bay
Never seen you act so shallow
or look so brown
Remember all the things we’d say
How your promises went hollow
As you threw me to the ground
“And if you’re ever around – his eyes met Tom’s again
In the backstreets or the alleys
of this town
Be sure to come around
I’ll be wallowing in pity
Wearing a frown
Like Pierrot the Clown”
He closed his eyes.
“When I dream, I dream your lips
When I dream, I dream your kiss
When I dream, I dream your fists
Your fists”
Tom felt the chorus, the repetition bridge hitting him, stronger than he ever thought a song could, all the memories coming alive in his mind, the emotional pain becoming physical through his heart, the song seemed to be made for them… for his first real love. A weird feeling took over his body as he heard such words coming from his current lover, his love, and he didn’t know what to feel besides the pain. For the first moment in a long time his mind turned to her, just her.
“Leave me bleeding on the bed
See you right back here tomorrow
For the next round – Tom could see that silhouette, that head slowly looking back, she leaving before she’d cry in front of him.-
Keep this scene inside your head
As the bruises turn to yellow
And the swelling goes down
“And if you’re ever around
On the city or the suburbs of this town
Be sure to come around
I’ll be wallowing in sorrow
Wearing a frown
Like Pierrot the Clown
Like Pierrot the Clown
Like Pierrot the Clown
Like Pierrot the Clown…”
Brian stared at Tom as he finished singing, Tom swallowed dry and breathed deeply.
-You’re exceptionally talented, I admire you, Brian.
-Thank you – he smiled softly and caressed Tom’s hand again.
-That happened to you?-
-Well, yeah, kind of – Brian shrugged.
-How much? – Brian didn’t answer – How much he beat you up? – Tom stared seriously, frowning in concern and in a quiet, hidden rage.
-Well, it actually wasn’t so physical, it happened once or twice… maybe more. But it was mostly emotional, mental. And, answering your question, enough for me to get in hospital with overdoses.-
-FUCK! – Tom punched the pillow and looked away, both his fists shaking. – Brian, I SWEAR I’d kill this man if I ever got my hands on him! – He sighed, still furious but remembering when Brian had swallowed too much when they were together, realizing that maybe it wasn’t entirely this stranger’s fault. – Did that song help?-
-No, actually we weren’t really together, but things just got worse and worse until we couldn’t stay close any longer.- Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. – Tom, I don’t wanna talk about it. – he begged with his big eyes.
-Ok – Tom took Brian’s hands and kissed them like a knight kissing a noble lady’s hand. Brian giggled softly at Tom’s incurable “cheesiness,” but deep inside he felt grateful – I love you, Brian, more than I can put in words… and it makes me sick to imagine you so bad.-
-What about you? –
Tom sighed.
-If that’s what you want to know, I was in a relationship a few years ago. – Brian moved to ask for more, but paused, the tone in Tom’s voice asking him not to say anything more than what was necessary. He swallowed.
-And it was violent. Right?
-Kind of. Yes. Well, exactly as the poem says.
-And you didn’t do anything, just stayed and waited for them to hit you? God, you’re not a weak man!
Tom shook his head.
-Bri, you know me. I’m gentle, I treat everyone kindly, and I treat ladies as ladies, no matter what they might think of themselves.
-Ladies? Someone that hits someone else isn’t only not a lady, but she proves it! And how you can say that? Someone like that doesn’t deserve to be treated gently!-
-I am what I am, I like to be a gentleman and I believe I’m doing right, if they’re on wrong, that’s their problem. – Brian’s jaw fell open in disbelief, his eyebrows already pressing together the way they usually do when he’s upset.
-It was YOUR problem! I’m sure it was the problem of the one being beaten and not the one who enjoyed doing it! You’re not being kind, you’re being stupid! – He tried to hide the frantic edge that had been building up in his chest from spilling out, but his words smouldered with rage.
-I’m not gonna raise my hand upon a woman ever, Brian, for me women are women no matter if they fuck me in the ass or spank me as an asshole could. AND I’m gonna treat them like that – Brian’s head fell in disbelief, he slightly shook his head with wide open eyes staring the mattress before, his fists clutching the blankets and on the verge of a fit, before looking back at Tom again.
-You’re crazy. No matter woman or man, if someone is rude to me they’re gonna be treated just the same way AND… YOU SAID YOU WERE GAY! – He shouted in a high pitched and husky voice.
-And I am. – He said shamelessly, Brian’s eyes again opening wide, then narrowing.
-Oh, yeah, you fuck a girl, have an affair with her, and you are TOTALLY gay. Oh yeah. – Brian’s voice dripping with irony.
-Yeah, the same way you and Stef.
-WHAT?
-You hear me.
-But… that was YEARS ago. How could you know it anyway?
Tom giggled sarcastically.
-I didn’t. But I see I was right. By the way, same here about years ago.
-But it’s DIFFERENT. We were young, got a huge crush, were very close friends and things just became more. Now, sexuality doesn’t change, you know. So you’re bi and don’t admit it. – Brian concluded.
Tom smiled.
-Can’t you see? Mine didn’t change, but I’m gay. I am and I always was. She was… – he tried to find a word and sighed before continuing – unique, the only woman for me ever, my only woman. And the first serious relationship I had, also first true love.-
-I see. – Brian stared at him a little, by Tom’s wise eyes, visibly hurt. They truly didn’t know what to say.
-You know… I’m jealous of you too. Jealousy is something you give and take. I never gave you any reason to be jealous, and you are. VERY jealous. I can’t help but think that’s because you were unfaithful yourself…- for a split-second, Brian looked like he’d been slapped in the face. – I’m sorry, but people usually see in the others what they have in themselves. – The poet said as softly as he could.
-I know, I’m sorry.- Brian sighed, taking unusual interest in trying to smooth the creases his fists had just made in the bedspread. -But about Stef… you know, Tom it really was more than 10 years ago. As I said, we were young, and still nowadays it affects our relationships because our boy and girlfriends can’t stand the way we’re close after they know about our history, you know. So we don’t tell anyone about it because we WON’T let it get between our friendship and the band, and also because it won’t come back. It was something from our past and we even gave up a lot of things to be together and you see, it didn’t work after all. Now I know Stef is just my friend… I mean, the best friend in the world, I love him more than I possibly articulate and more than most people, but… not a lover. So, please, forget about it ’cause it’s useless and a pain in the ass.-
-And you forget about her and any possible straight relationship of mine. Deal? – He reached out his hand.
-Deal – they shook hands, but neither of them was really smiling nor felt sure if they could keep this promise, and the feeling just made it clear that things wouldn’t be that easy for either of them. – I’m gonna sleep.-
-Ok – Tom nodded as Brian lay on the bed, his head turned to the wall. Tom stood up to turn off the light and wash his face as the make-up wouldn’t be of any use. He lay down after Brian, slipping slowly loser and hugging him from behind, his hand caressing the singer’s belly, before he planted a kiss on his shoulder and whispered a ‘good night’. Brian shrank into himself and sighed.
…
Brian woke up, slowly and dimly. His eyes blinked open and, when they didn’t blink back any bright lights, he figured it was not yet dawn. The drowsy but not heavy feeling in his body confirmed that he’d been asleep few hours. When his sleepy mind realized the arms around him were gone he automatically reached to the other side of the bed, only to find empty space and sheets. He turned, looking for him in the bed, around the dark room.
No sign of him.
Brian searched his cloths in the dark, wearing the first thing he found which ended up being a Bermuda swim shorts, which he had hoped to use earlier yesterday, and a t-shirt. He locked the room and crossed the corridor, he wondered for a second if Tom was in Anna’s room but decided he wasn’t, he could see her lights were off.
Outside of the building he walked on casually. He reached into his pocket and cursed himself out loud for forgetting the cigarette box in his room, he was used to having it in his pockets wherever he’d go. He thought about getting back into his room to take them, but again he chose not to do it. Walking without smoking once in his life COULDN’T be that bad.
Or it shouldn’t be, that is. He was already getting fed up. He reminded himself could stand whole gigs without one… and that thought just made him even more desperate for a fag. He searched one last time in his pockets and sighed with relief as he found an almost empty box and a lighter. How did he not find it before? He didn’t really try to answer this question: it didn’t seem important anymore as he lit the cigarette and all he could do was to feel the releasing sensation as he inhaled.
He sat down on a low wall and his mind returned to Tom, and he wondered why he was looking for him. He stood up again and walked around the hotel garden until he saw the swimming pool and wandered over, feeling melancholy as, apparently, this was the only way he could go to a swimming pool in peace. Alone, late at night.
As he stepped closer he saw who he was looking for, floating in the water, wearing his own swim wear without permission, which made Brian giggle briefly.
He sat down on the edge of the pool and dangled his legs in the water, admiring his lover. Tom was a handsome man. Even if he wasn’t in love with him, even if he wasn’t as charming as he was. His beauty had something special, it was so natural it could be ignored if you didn’t look closely, but the more you saw him the more there was to see: you noticed how gorgeous he was, and he was truly handsome enough to be a professional model. And even with his eyes closed and without uttering a word, something about him was just too expressive, too open but too mysterious, too… charming. Brian let the enchantment wash over him like the water washing over his legs, swept up by his peace as the Tom slowly trailed in dark water, side to side in the swimming pool. It felt like falling in love again, falling in love even more so than he was already in love, he remembered how he felt so similar the first times he saw Tom… and again his sense of time felt as liquid and changing as the water around him. Almost two months. Almost one year. He almost wanted to cry, without any apparent reason, just because of that soothing, flooding feeling of being insanely in love, and in some masochist way just being drowned by love felt wonderful.
Suddenly Tom opened his eyes, still not seeing Brian as he was only staring at the sky, but by his expression Brian could see he could smell his smoke. Tom dove and his head came up again. Brian smiled, Tom’s eyes and skin looked gorgeous in the night, with only the few white lights and the moon itself to illuminate him.
-Bri, cheri. – He rested his elbows on the edge of the pool. -I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake you up. What are you doing by here?
-I missed you. I missed your warmth surrounding me – he decided to ignore how clingy he sounded – and went for a walk, now here you are with my swimwear.
Tom grinned.
-So you missed my arms around you? – his eyes sparkled, he had that glint of a boy that was about to do a trick.
-Yeah, kind of. –
Tom suddenly tried to pull Brian. But he resisted. – WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I’M DRESSED.-
-So undress. – Tom said with his perfect grin, Brian had time only to blink twice before Tom pulled him again, this time Brian tumbled into the water.
-How dare you? – Brian pushed him, Tom laughed and hugged him against the upset weaker one’s will.
-You wanted to swim with me, didn’t you? And you missed my warmth, didn’t you? The water is warm, I’m here with you… Wouldn’t that be all you wished? – Tom smoothed his cheek, fingers going to his hair which was already curling up softly. Brian snorted, Tom slowly caressed Brian’s belly and started to lift his wet shirt which was sticking to Brian’s body under water.
-What are you doing? – Brian stared at him with suspicion and Tom kissed him instead of answering. He parted from the kiss and leant his head backward a little to stare back at him and kissed again. He kept this sequence of movies, kissing, stopping, staring, lifting his shirt until it was off of Brian, and Brian closed his arms around the taller mans’ neck and kissed him again. Tom parted his lips and finally slid his tongue inside, which was already craving for a real involvement.
Tom led Brian to the pool’s wall, still kissing him and breathing through his nose so as to make it last longer and started to unbutton his Bermuda shorts, making Brian break off the kiss and turn his face away to avoid Tom’s lips which were already getting closer again.
-Aren’t you going a bit too far? We can be seen. – He panted. Tom didn’t stop though, but slid his hand inside the swim trunks, massaging his member that was already getting hard, Brian moaned in indecision.
-I’m just downing it a bit. If we be quick no one would see us. – He assured in Brian’s ear, his husky voice, his French accent, all little bit too much for Brian who was almost giving in, even though he didn’t think it was a good idea at all. Not even giving him the time to think, Tom increased his touches, making Brian moan a bit louder with a priceless worried face.
-Oh, stop, stop, stop… – he breathed, his hand on Toms’ shoulder trembling. Tom squeezed him once more and obeyed, lifting his hands with a look of over-acted innocence. Brian’s mouth fell open in shock and eyes burned as he whispered fiercely -FUCK, DON’T YOU DARE STOP WHAT YOU STARTED! – He held Tom’s hand and pulled it to his pleasure zone, moaning with a stupidly pleased face. Tom grinned and stopped touching him again to push down his Bermuda shorts and the underwear underneath at the same time. Brian groped behind him for the edge of the pool while Tom disappeared underwater to take the clothing off, Brian raised his feet, turning his head to see if anybody was around, and Tom finally emerged with the pieces of cloth in his hand, he put them in the edge of the swimming pool with the shirt.
-You crazy guy, you’re the only one to make me do such insane things in my 30s! – Brian whined as he wrapped an arm around Tom’s neck again and pulled him closer roughly, Tom bit his ear while caressing his waist with a hand and downing his own swimwear with the other.
-Hold on tight… – he held Brian’s waist and helped him to get the height to wrap his legs around his waist, even though it wasn’t that necessary on a swimming pool, he quickly inserted a finger on Brian’s ass -I don’t think we have much time to prepare myself.-
-Me neither. – Brian nearly closed his eyes as Tom positioned himself.
-I’m going NOW. – He grunted as he thrust inside him, Brian moaned quick and loud in pain. After recovering their composure, they stared at each other, panting in anticipation, Tom pushed him harder against the tiled wall, sliding his length almost completely out of him before he pushed inside him again, Brian panted, holding onto Tom. They caught their breath for a moment before Tom repeated the movement, hard but somehow softly, gently, and Brian moaned and stared up at the sky, rolling his eyes as Tom repeated the movement again.
-A bit… harder – Tom obeyed, Brian half moaned, half grunted. Tom started to touch him, again hard but gentle, and Brian grabbed his neck, unconsciously scratching at his skin. Tom increased the pace, Brian moving his hips in answer, both moaning and panting heavily when feeding on each other’s lips. – Oh, fuck, yes… – he moaned, Tom started to bite his neck fiercely, but stopped as he remembered Brian wouldn’t like to have visible bruises and started to bite tenderly. Their chests were rubbing against each other under water, their pace picking up, faster and faster, as they became more and more lost in each other, feeling only their pleasure. Tom tightened his grip around Brian’s waist as he used more strength to push inside him, their pants increasing as Brian struggled to contain his loud moans, and Tom slowed it down a bit, moving in a more sensual way that drove Brian mad until they were fierce again.
Tom pulled them underwater as they came closer to climax, they pulled, scratched and embraced each other, locking their lips together as they unleashed their pleasure in a white liquid. When they couldn’t hold their breath anymore, Tom pulled out of Brian and they emerged from the pool. Tom lifted his swimwear and Brian put on his shorts, both still panting under their breaths.
Brian rested his head on Tom’s shoulder, laughing between pants.
-You’re crazy, I don’t do this sort of thing since… I don’t know since when! – He raised his head and kissed Tom.
-You don’t have a clue of how crazy I can be… just for you. – he whispered, his lips softly touching his ear.
-And you don’t have any idea of how crazy I was.-
-Brian… – Tom tipped his beloveds’ head backwards, looking Brian in the eyes and smoothing both sides of his face, his thumbs rubbing his cheeks -You don’t have any idea of how you make me feel, how you move me, how you turn my world upside down. I could move mountains for you, I feel as I could steal the moon just to give you if it was necessary… – those words reminded Brian of the song Ne Me Quitte Pas, a desperate favourite of his that never failed to make him cry. Without having to think any farther, the song started playing in his mind, echoing in his heart.
“Moi je t’offrirai
Des perles du pluie
Venues de pays
Ou il ne pleut pas
Je creuserai la terre
Jusqu’apres ma mort
Pour couvrir ton corps
D’or et de lumiere
Je ferai un domaine
Ou l’amour sera roi
Ou l’amour sera loi
Ou tu seras reine”
And before he could think, before he could understand why, he felt his eyes burning, he swallowed, unwilling to cry -Mon amour… I don’t know anymore who I am, who I’d be without you.- Tom said passionately, Brian stared at him, scared. Not scared of his love, scared of… he couldn’t know of what he was scared of.
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
They stared at each other quietly, and Tom drew Brian closer.
Why?
We love each other. We are together.
WHY?
Why does this smothering fear of losing each other surround us? Why can’t we just make love in peace, without any problems later? Since the first fucking time, no matter if it is an argument, if it is jealousy, even spied we were once… and I might count in the fingers of only one hand the times we could simply be together, could embrace each other, and stay together for hours in pure happiness.
Why?
And again before he could stop it, Brian was sobbing, he tried desperately to contain his tears, but it was impossible. A suffocating feeling filling his heart, overflowing to his throat and stomach. After kissing him, Tom stared helplessly at the sky, at the moon. Again trying to be the solace of his lover through his own pain. A pain that pressed against his heart. A secret pain, a pain that could be seen only through his soul, hidden. And the poor poet’s soul cried quietly as no one seemed to notice, as his body tried to comfort his crying lover. And in an inexplicable way they felt an abyss separating them, as they reached out for each other and ran desperately, back to their room, back to fitful sleep. An inexplicable feeling.
Ne me quitte pas
Je ne veux plus pleurer
Je ne veux plus parler
Je me cacherai là
A te regarder
Danser et sourire
Et à t’écouter
Chanter et puis rire
Laisse-moi devenir
L’ombre de ton ombre
L’ombre de ta main
L’ombre de ton chien
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
